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Sunday, January 20, 2008

there have been so much going on in my life recently i've barely had the time and space to breathe. but if there's one thing for sure, i'm thankful for all the people around me.

anyhow, as the harsh reality starts to set in, i'm (hopefully) gaining enough momentum to sustain me through this fiendish academic year. mum's been piling up all the pressure on me that it's beginning to bear down on me. and i'm not sure how long i can last, but i guess i'll just have to keep going. it's funny when madam yeo said i seemingly became more hardworking after i injured my leg. okay, at least i get my tutorials done beforehand, something that would never have occurred last year. (even completing tutorials was considered sacrosanct then, truly a rarity.) well but these are things mum will never find out, or rather, i dont bother to let her know cos it'll simply be a pat in the back and more "keep it up!", "continue working harder!" stuff, which i already have heard trilions of times. and it's strange too how i start to enjoy tuition, maths tuition as a matter of fact. am i really evolving into the awe-inspiring mugging machine mum wants me to become!? well, at least i know i'm still the jovial, nothing-gets-me-down person that somehow, protects me from all these senseless pursuits of superficial "success" (and of course the pressure of doing so.) at the end of the day, as my mortal and i agreed, it's just the pragmatic way of life that entraps us. is there really no way out?
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sulyn's wedding. it made realize how far we've come in life, together, the three families that is. those genting trips that seemed so yesterday, the running underneath wedding tables, going through all those caning from our parents, protecting one another, cycling together, plucking/stealing rambutans from our neighbourhood (and running away from the screaming aunties when they see us), playing football in the park, the weekend dinners at ah ma's place... the list just goes on and on and on. the Lee, Phay and Chua family have grown up together, all twenty of us. And yesterday, i am sure of all us have realized in one way or another, how much we've been through together as an extended family.
it's quite interesting how we cousins, become sure good friends. like now, there are three "generations" with my elder sister and the chua elder sisters(Sulyn and Suyen) are now the working generation, and are so close; my brother, shen and val, who are entering university after NS. bro and shen are almost brothers, having attended the same JC, going for all the mambo sessions and what not. val, somehow completes the jigsaw; and now, Pin, mel and i are keeping up the tradition, going out together, and just simply fostering this "cousinhood". as for nana and nicky, haha i guess they'll tag along with us after they are older. well my uncle is also the hip uncle who brings our (pin and i) brothers to drinking sessions and mambo!?!? and now, apparently we're gonna get our own baptism of fire (when we are 18) just like our brothers did. it's a well-guarded secret that neither pin and i knows what it is. the uncle says it'll corrupt and open our eyes. lol i presume that means booze and er, the nightlife? but of course, it's all innocent fun.
it doesnt help that i've successfully persuaded dad to buy malibu from the airport. i've been drinking a cup here and there, thank god i'm nowhere near drunk. last night at the wedding, i was slightly tipsy from the 8 odd glasses of wine, hmm i dont even know how many glasses i drank to be honest. but it was the first time we were the last to leave the dinner. unlike those, random auntie's-niece/nephew-random friend-not so close distant relative-dad's colleague's weddings where we'll leave just when the dessert is over, so would the rest of the crowd. it's so different when it's someone close getting married. well, perryn's a nice guy, and i'm sure they'll be happy together.
and the wedding opened my eyes to how crazy our family is. the extended one i mean. we're always the ones making the most noise, doing the longest yum sengs, having the most fun as compared to the other tables that just maintains a dignified presence. our no-holds-barred celebrations include the uncle randomly calling out for toasts, and the cousins dancing to songs etc. it's fun, it really is.
best wishes to the newly wedded couple. i'm already looking forward to the next wedding. (suyen's boyfriend drives a porsche boxster, and that's not all, he has a mercedes SLR as well. hoho)
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anyhow, sorry cherrylene! couldnt be at your party cos of the wedding. but i think you'll love the gift (that i'll pass to you on monday since u're sick today.) i hope you had a blast, sweet eighteen and taaaake care.
you also got me started thinking about the what ifs. like what you are going through now. for me, nothing will help, but i'll react as would how i know the person wants me to. i'd rather let him/her go with a smile aye.
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at the wedding, joycelin (pin's cousin) was like, "i saw you two together before outside blah blah" haha and ya it made me realize something.
i've a confession to make, not that it matters anymore. but there's a need to finally put the full stop to that relationship. i lied to myself for too long that you loved me through the entire two years, it certainly wasn't the case. in a way, i'm glad it's over. at least it's fairer this way. and as cherrylene told me before, he treats you well. to me, that's all that matters. right now, i'm moving on. i know it took some time, but that's me.

i'm just relieved. i dont love you like i did yesterday. not anymore.