i finally realised why i've been so lacklustre in school, studies and anything associated with academic results. i think deep down, i've already given up on myself. the inertia stems from the sudden epiphany that i am not as good or smart as i thought i was, in fact, i'm a long way behind the best. i dont want to do another 'psle'-- being in the best class and getting 247 when i was suppose to close my eyes and get 265. i dont want to look back 5 years from now and think, what it could have been. and i know i have been saying this many times. tomorrow will mark the first day i spend in the library doing work, albeit work that i owe.

and CT session today made me realize how i miss Mr Leong's didactic speeches that seem old-school yet tugs at my heart-strings. it's sad how student-teacher relationships seem so much more distant in college than in high school. i guess i should head back to high school for lunch more often. and it was a pleasant surprise to meet ms koe and have a quick chat with her that day. i realized i always look to the elders for support, no matter how much they may nag. deep down, i rely on people to feel good. i don't know whether it's bad, but i do know that someday, i'll have no one to rest upon but myself.

i feel more settled now. and i am ready to make the final charge. i look forward to studying in US with a scholarship. it is possible only if i want it enough. and i really do.

ps. i feel like a bimbo but gossip girl is intriguing. it opens the door to a world i've never was exposed to. the good, the bad and the ugly. can you withstand societal pressure? i know i can.