went to catch accuracy of death with sua and xiner at kallang leisure park. the place itself, though wulu, is perhaps the most comprehensive entertainment complex in the whole of singapore. iceskating, arcade, cinema, bowling, kbox... u name it, they have it. well, as for the show, it was just very asian. i enjoyed it to some extent i guess, but after awhile it got a tad didactic, and predictable.

it was not so much the movie that made my day memorable. it was the journey and not the destination that mattered in this case. walking to the stadium brought back so much memories. and for once, i really believed that canoeing, and not soccer, is my (real) passion. i think i was feeling so nostalgic walking past the public toilet where i broke my finger while playing with hengyang's laces, to the smell(though not exactly nice) of the kallang basin, to sight of falling flowers and coconut trees that greet me almost 4, if not 5 times a week when i was in lower secondary. i really miss canoeing so bad that i feel i could just go train with the team now. but then again, it is at kallang that made canoeing special, not at macritchie. there was so much going through my mind as i walked along the winding path where i wished time would have gone back.

along the way, i also witnessed a screaming/very emotional dragon boater (from SP?) scolding her team for not giving enough effort etc. she was in tears and very agitated. it reminded me of the times when i was captain in SJI. my team talks... were never that spartan-like, but somehow it always managed to do the job. i like talking to people. i like trying to be inspiring. the strange thing is i think i succeed at inspiring others (at least then in sji) more than inspiring myself. that, i feel, summarizes why i feel so loserish at times.

anyway, after not being allowed to go for bike hike, i'm coped up at home, frustrated and bored. and i hate feeling ennui. mum on the other hand, is trying very hard (perhaps a tad too hard) to "appease" me and is being (overly) nice. but she's just getting the cold shoulders from me cos i dont see how or what i can talk to her about. it's been a long time since i last had a meaningful/long conversation with her. i blame it on being 18, and on the impending As.

i wonder where are they cycling at now. it doesn't help that cycling at night is one of my favourite past times.

and now, i'm in a dilemma of either going for the bbq (and just have a nice catchup with those few friends) or going for CO. honestly, i'm not in the mood for CO. i'd rather just lie on the top of the attic and talk under the star-lit skies. i'm feeling very very frustrated now. my mind's in a whirl.

it's strange how everything i write online contradicts my behaviour in real life. i'm too jolly in the 'public' eye such that it's almost impossible to see me as an unhappy boy. sometimes i think this sadness is self-induced.

i need a dose of reality.