apple of my eye

2008-07-09T23:49:00.000+08:00

lilong.livejournal.com

i've succumbed to the need to guard my posts.

2008-06-27T00:12:00.000+08:00

i like to watch my mum and dad interacting. you see, mum's a much more lively character who's not afraid to show her love by means of, er, PDA. while on the other hand, dad comes from a strict and somewhat rigid family. in other words, he is like e complete opposite from mum - reserved, introverted, conservative. so for example, mum sometimes would behave like a love-struck teenage girl and try to hold or hint at dad to hold her hand (well of course dad being dad usually fails to get the hint). then she'd resort to hold/hugging his arm, like wad xinyi would do last time lol. its an endearing sight considering how sometimes their r/s is on and off. at times, it even feels like they are together cos of us (children). well, i'm glad that its not that bad now.

anyhow, it set me thinking about how romantic relationship evolves. first, it'd start with curiousity. oh boy, the "when a man meets a woman" feeling. it starts out by the want to get to know each other. and of course, someone has to do something. after which, (though some people skip this step) the friendship begins. if there's chemistry or 'fireworks', it'll blossom into courtship. well, this is perhaps the most conventional initial stage of any relationship. the key here is how curiosity spurs on actions being taken to nurture something.

next, the honeymoon period. the talks of forever, a love that is able to transcend all boundaries till the end of time. everything seems perfect and nothing else matter really. this is perhaps the most exciting part of the relationship.

after a year (or two), the relationship becomes somewhat like a habit. it's hard to kick cos one's so used to it. spending time together, talking on the phone, replying messages seem like second nature. there are still hints of passion though, depending on both parties. it takes two hands to clap. (perhaps only specific to my case) but this is where fatigue starts setting in, especially if you are always on the giving end. mum says it's better to be on the giving end (well of course not referring to r/s la), but imo, that's only true for everything else but relationships.

as time goes on, habits become a form of commitment. this is where relationships go down to path - the end or the beginning. i don't think i've reached this stage so i don't know how it feels. but from analyzing my parents r/s, i realised it takes a lot of effort to keep things going. 'things' referring to passion, active love. it is at this juncture where if one's not careful, love degenerates into nothing more than a habit. it's like "okay it's the weekend, it's her/his day" kinda stuff. then again, my sis somehow manages to keep the flame burning. on the other hand, i think tracy is getting tired dating my brother. lol, my mum was giving her 'lowdown' on bro's r/s and i told her "whoever date kor will also be damn sian and pissed cos he's so bochap and blur". hahha. poor tracy. then again he's ultra nice and cherrylene once couldn't stop kajiaoing me about him. okay maybe that's exaggerated but u get the idea. lol.

i don't know but i just felt like randomly going through the process of beginning and maintaining a relationship. i'm certainly not a maestro at it but i suppose it's nice having someone to love. it's like there's an outlet to transform all the shit that i'm going through into something more productive. but an abundance of it, will of course, lead to overdose. it harms not only the loved but the one loving as well. i guess it's always better to be in the shoes of the former, but somehow i always end up as the latter.

alright, i've spent enough time doing things i could do another time. at least everything's off my chest. i don't feel as good as i want to feel but its enough to keep me through studying math for the night. good luck everyone.

2008-06-24T22:18:00.002+08:00

the female invigilator for our econs paper was... i'm at a lost for words. when she said "arts dont need so many paper right?" i almost blurted out an expletive. we are always misunderstood, sigh. but i don't regret being an Arts student. i find so much more meaning in studying the likes of literature as compared to physics. the timelessness of poetry, drama and other classical works is astounding. i guess being the minority, there's nothing much i can complain about. well at least the teacher made up with other funny sound bites.

econs was a frenzy. like i didnt stop writing. it was just so tiring. i'm in this holiday mood whereby there's no sense of urgency to study or anything. i don't know why but As just seem so far. it's easy knowing what i lack but hard to make up for it. that's why i hate myself. i'm in this constant flux between doing what is right and doing what i want to do. in the end, the time spent choosing, or otherwise known as procrastination, pretty much takes up all the time i have. next thing i know, the sun has set and it's time to sleep, or attempt to at least.

i've been rolling in bed for hours these past few days. i guess the absence of my brother could be playing tricks on my sleep cycle. he brings about a calming effect i guess. although of course i hate it when he's drunk and taking up every inch of the bed(s). thank god that's a rare occurence. but strangely, i miss the sound when he grinds his teeth in his sleep. the room just seem so much more empty.

i don't know why i can't sleep.

2008-06-17T01:04:00.002+08:00

my sister had a field day using my msn account for... about an hour. it was so surprising cos no one even suspected it wasn't me though my sis writes so differently from me + the crazy name changes which, in my opinion, has ruined me for life. lol. and the 'XX is a babe' nick change scared the shit out of me cos i saw numerous windows popping up and i was like, die already. hahah. oh well, the crazy things my sister does.

on a serious note, i am somewhat inspired to attempt to be 50% as mug as yicheng. 5 more days to get going, it can be done, only if i work as hard as yicheng.

2008-06-15T21:07:00.001+08:00

cool. lifted from sua.

2008-06-14T21:08:00.001+08:00

it is being mediocre and doing nothing to change this situation that is really making me so tired. tired of doing nothing.

i usually have so much to say and crap. but these few days, words just fail me.

2008-06-10T22:59:00.001+08:00

tired, of everything.

2008-06-06T23:16:00.004+08:00

----
Short Announcement!
my phone hanged so all my contacts are pretty much wiped out. you'd do me a great favour by smsing me and telling me who you are. thanks a million in advance.

and also, for all E lit students, Mr Wong's lesson is changed to 16 June. 10~12pm, AVT. please pass it on cos i've lost all the numbers.
----

SATs is tomorrow. i did enough practice i suppose. if i'm not careless, then tomorrow will be a breeze. if not, say hello to retest. evelyn adds to the pressure during tuition when she said i'd need 800 for math to get into business schools in US and of course >2200. well i think for me, this two clauses come together. if i do well for math, i'll get a good overall grade. oh well, we'll just see how it goes, though i'm feeling pretty "zibei" after witnessing SOMEONE completing and scoring a decent, if not good grade in the morning/afternoon lol.

i've mixed feelings about today. the first half of the day, i enjoyed the presence of one of my best friends, if not the best. the lame stuff we do, coupled with some sarcasm here and there makes it a memorable time. i think i sound a little cheesy. but as i've always said, its not what we do but who we are around that is more important(at least to me). and then in the night, i had a chat with one of the best friends too. it made me realise how bad a friend i am. it's like i can't really give a response that is fitting, or at least say something more constructive. but the best thing about having these friends are that they are not afraid of letting you know what you are lacking in. and for that i am grateful. i wish i could say/do the right things at the right time. whatever it is, seek and you shall find. that's something i hope you went away with amidst my incoherence.

i'm looking forward to SATs tomorrow. finally a big burden will be lifted off my shoulders. i can look forward to finishing and catching up on everything else. people say if i start revising now, i'll still find myself scrambling for time. and then there's always BBI and lun wen. its time to focus and i hope it is not too late.

2008-06-05T00:56:00.003+08:00

simple postcards that convey 3 things that occur to me almost every other day.

the what ifs tend to haunt me in the night almost every single night.

and the people who always stand by me, keeps me going.

finally, the expectations that weigh ever so heavily on me, as on some of the others.
and the song still rings in my head.

2008-06-04T01:07:00.002+08:00

i finished the entire language section of SATs in two days. and have the math, and the practice papers to go. i'm so tired of it. and my frustration is compounded by the inability to understand some of the language clauses that Americans advocate. sadly, i think language is an innate ability. if you get it, you just do. if not, well, that's just life.

on a very random note, the trip to school to get a few documents (which can be emailed!!) from zhu lao shi was such a waste of time. it took 15mins for her to get her computer from the techie, another 15mins to realise her hard disk cannot be opened. 10 more mins to call e techie back and do a virus scan. 15 more mins trying to download some document reader from a china website(to no avail). and 10 seconds to save everything onto wang lin's thumbdrive. wow, sometimes we over complicate things to this extent. anyhow, she said something that amused me for a day. (loosely translated in english) "WANG LIN, can i pass you research i did for denyse?" - Wang stones for awhile and asks why. "COS i ALWAYS see you sitting with her during class" at this time, i burst into laughter and started poking wang. zhu lao shi gave a sly smile which further added to this comedic moment. and then, wang gave the patented erps look. sigh, i tink i'm so deprived that i've to resort to this to self-amuse myself at 1.20am

i'm looking forward to thursday, tho it's gonna be a huge surprise for a very good, if not, one of the best friends. haha. and as i read rui an's post on how he misses colorado, it kinda resounded in me as i chanced upon the photos he took while we were there for CMPS. that trip remains fondly etched onto my memory as i recall the great company + scenery + weather there. i also kinda miss my host family. it was fun waking up to the empty house where rui an and i will be searching for food and things to do hahaha. memories as they say, merely reflects the transient nature of life.

i've about 9 more hours before i've to give a 15minute presentation(or was it 5?) and an ELEVATOR pitch to eileen tan. right now, i'm sitting on the PPT slide i hastily created in under 20mins a week ago. wow, i'm officially screwed. looks like i've to pray that tristan's aura descends from ? and perhaps i'll be able to smoke my way through the session. its strange how i can crap my way out of some situations, i hope i'm as lucky tomorrow.

its time to re-energise my mind. perhaps i can just point to my two ulcers and tell mrs tan i cant speak. then again, the easy way out usually isnt the best way to do things.

2008-05-31T21:16:00.002+08:00

went to catch accuracy of death with sua and xiner at kallang leisure park. the place itself, though wulu, is perhaps the most comprehensive entertainment complex in the whole of singapore. iceskating, arcade, cinema, bowling, kbox... u name it, they have it. well, as for the show, it was just very asian. i enjoyed it to some extent i guess, but after awhile it got a tad didactic, and predictable.

it was not so much the movie that made my day memorable. it was the journey and not the destination that mattered in this case. walking to the stadium brought back so much memories. and for once, i really believed that canoeing, and not soccer, is my (real) passion. i think i was feeling so nostalgic walking past the public toilet where i broke my finger while playing with hengyang's laces, to the smell(though not exactly nice) of the kallang basin, to sight of falling flowers and coconut trees that greet me almost 4, if not 5 times a week when i was in lower secondary. i really miss canoeing so bad that i feel i could just go train with the team now. but then again, it is at kallang that made canoeing special, not at macritchie. there was so much going through my mind as i walked along the winding path where i wished time would have gone back.

along the way, i also witnessed a screaming/very emotional dragon boater (from SP?) scolding her team for not giving enough effort etc. she was in tears and very agitated. it reminded me of the times when i was captain in SJI. my team talks... were never that spartan-like, but somehow it always managed to do the job. i like talking to people. i like trying to be inspiring. the strange thing is i think i succeed at inspiring others (at least then in sji) more than inspiring myself. that, i feel, summarizes why i feel so loserish at times.

anyway, after not being allowed to go for bike hike, i'm coped up at home, frustrated and bored. and i hate feeling ennui. mum on the other hand, is trying very hard (perhaps a tad too hard) to "appease" me and is being (overly) nice. but she's just getting the cold shoulders from me cos i dont see how or what i can talk to her about. it's been a long time since i last had a meaningful/long conversation with her. i blame it on being 18, and on the impending As.

i wonder where are they cycling at now. it doesn't help that cycling at night is one of my favourite past times.

and now, i'm in a dilemma of either going for the bbq (and just have a nice catchup with those few friends) or going for CO. honestly, i'm not in the mood for CO. i'd rather just lie on the top of the attic and talk under the star-lit skies. i'm feeling very very frustrated now. my mind's in a whirl.

it's strange how everything i write online contradicts my behaviour in real life. i'm too jolly in the 'public' eye such that it's almost impossible to see me as an unhappy boy. sometimes i think this sadness is self-induced.

i need a dose of reality.

2008-05-31T01:07:00.001+08:00

so i'm banned from night bike.

so i'm strangely feeling nostalgic about YCAS. it feels like a mini-post-SLC all over again.

perhaps i am less happy than i appear to be.

2008-05-28T23:33:00.003+08:00

[Regina Spektor, The Call]
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
’Til it was a battle cry
I’ll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything’s changing
Doesn’t mean it’s never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You’ll come back when it’s over
No need to say goodbye

You’ll come back when it’s over
No need to say goodbye

Now we’re back to the beginning
It’s just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can’t feel it too
Doesn’t mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
’Til they’re before your eyes
You’ll cone back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
---
ycas made me get my lazy butt out of home and do something meaningful. though it got alittle dry at times, but i think i understand the whole rationale behind the concept to this event. i am impressed. and it certainly made me more aware of what's going on around me. of course, there is always the nice starry-eyed moments hahahhaha.

caught narnia with sam,hongwei and ben(sam's little brother). the movie... is very much like the previous one. as 8days puts it, the absence of aslan just takes the spark off the show. the 'epic' battle scene cannot rival that of lotr, which in my opinion, remains one of the most breathtaking scenes of any movie ever. but the thing which justify the $8 the movie costs, it'd be the soundtrack right at the end. it kept ringing in my head non-stop. it was great company too. sometimes it's not where or what we do, but who we go out with that makes the 'date' one to remember. i certainly miss the times with my ex-classmates. i'll always remember how we insist about 'the thing' hahahha. therefore i concur, sam's worry that there would be nothing to do at his place when we meet that, is unfounded. i truly treasure these people.

and as i try to piece my world together and tidy up my life, i hope i'd get the support and motivation i need. from who? i really don't know.

i'm counting the things i need to get done. and they all have deadlines. oh boy, here we go again. i think i can do it, with abit of nudging.

2008-05-23T01:27:00.002+08:00

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated,
we barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.
from a song jessica sent.

do you know dogs stretch and yawn just like humans do? i watched hotdog fall asleep. i watch him rousing from his dreams. i can't help but think he is similar to me when i was young. well not trying to say that i am a dog, but point being the innocence of childhood. he is just such a wonderful creation of nature. many a times, we let all these moments pass us by. we take so much for granted.

2008-05-21T21:36:00.003+08:00

this is hotdog. and my photography skills are good right? the sofa cover never looked so good in reality. haha.

had a long afternoon nap again. my biological clock is screwed up. it's the sleep-in when the sun's up and work when the sun's down. i've never been a day-guy if you get what i mean. besides, i work best at night, dont ask me why. perhaps its the sense of urgency that comes with the conscious awareness of dawn breaking in a few hours that really pushes me to work. whatever it is, as long as i get the job done, i don't care how i do it.

and i've just been jolted by the possibility of me not being able to present for BBI finals. don't get me wrong, i've full faith in the presentation abilities of yicheng (not so sure about yikai tho) but the point is, this is and probably will be the last time i get to present in a business competition. besides, i love the haha-i-can-answer-ur-question feeling. and it doesnt get any better winning such competitions. i think it is pretty much the only thing i am good at. ego? maybe. pride? certainly.

amidst the disaster, there have been miracles also. i salute the lady who survived 196hours on rain water. it is amazing what the human will is capable of. and to those trying hard to profit from the event... i wish you luck dealing with your conscience.

anyway, i guess i shall go back to doing lun wen. i'm reading, but not starting. and i think if i had finished my lunwen, my chances of getting exempted will be so much higher.

2008-05-21T00:30:00.002+08:00

mum keeps asking me why i am so tired. i slept from 8.30 to 11.15, skipping dinner in the process cos i simply had no appetite after coming back from the afternoon book-hunting with the faithfully entertaining LAD club. i kinda enjoy their company considering they are genuine friends, no malice, no politics, nothing like some people i used to be around. around my classmates, i dont have to put up a face, i dont have to be on my toes, i can let my guard down. that's why i love a12.

csc is taking its toll on me. there are so many things i like about the subject but i think my sheer inability to connect with the language itself constricts this want to study it. in addition, i think the idea that the teachers look down on me(and us) on general as compared to people who are truly good at the subject, makes it even harder to break out of this inertia.

notice, the repeated mentioning of inertia. it is, and has always been, a problem of mine.

on a happier note, i think SAT seems less daunting, at least the word list is not exceptionally hard besides those few really queer words. i remain upbeat about my future. i have time, that is if i start now. and i'm slowly warming up, though, hopefully i can do so faster.

i think i am happy. at least i am not sad. the art of always looking on the bright side makes life so much more bearable and opens the door to many possibilities. work hard people, and more importantly, enjoy life.

2008-05-19T21:58:00.001+08:00

1月25日，雪灾 = 天灾
3月14日，藏独 = 人祸
5月12日，地震 = 地祸
1+2+5 = 08
3+1+4 = 08
5+1+2 = 08
08年08月08日奥运会。
巧合？天意？地震发生当天正好是距离08年08月08日奥运会日子88天！
---(lifted from sua's blog)
like wtf.

hotdog is endearing. he's super sticky though and will follow u just about anywhere u go(which includes the toilet). since bro left for europe, hotdog sleeps on the bed. mum says its highly unhygenic but he refuses to sleep unless he's near a person. he's so tired yet cos i'm at the comp(reading bout sino-russian energy diplomacy), he cant sleep. i guess its a sign i go to bed soon. i'm so tired of everything. sick and tired of being the way i am.
---
if i finish lunwen on wednesday, i'll splurge on myself on thursday.

and i just realised that i've not much time to prepare for block test, though A levels seem very far away. if i spend the first two weeks facilitating the SL symposium, night biking and preparing for SAT, and the next 3 days searching and filing my stuff frantically, then i've a grand total of 1.5 weeks to study. and elit is on the last week of the holidays. realistically speaking, the only subject i think i can do without excessive studying is econs. it's pretty much the only thing that sticks to my head. lit is going downhill, csc is going up(i hope), and math... is already at the pit bottom. though there is only one way up from the bottom, crawling out of the pit is the hardest ever thing to do. divine intervention is what i seek.

but 人定胜天. i can do it. (and i realised BT2/prelims is the best chance for me to get the scholarship i want.

good night world, i'm so weary.

2008-05-18T23:28:00.005+08:00

my house has a visitor. he's called hotdog. he doesn't like to be alone, and behaves like a girl, simply cos he was castrated(ouch!). he's a dog btw.

bro's going to europe tonight, for a cool 6 weeks. damn i love backpacking. it'll be my turn after NS. sis went before as well. the thought of after As seem so immense and alluring, yet it we all have to deal with reality (now). anyhow, bon voyage bro! i'm sure you'll have loads of fun there.

amidst the chaos going on in china at this time, i realised there is a distinct lack of coverage of the ongoing rescue efforts there by the western media. studying csc made me more aware of the politics going on, and for once, i think i am inclined towards china. the western media just continually disappoint and lose their credibilty along the way.

anyhow, two postcards this weekend struck me.

so true isn't it. maybe that's why i busker in the presence of happy people.

the goodbye in my opinion, encompass more than a physical goodbye. there are so many ways and things to bade farewell to. true enough, we learn from each encounter.

if there is a night where i am emo, it'd be tonight. i'm just feeling so so tired even though i have spent this two days doing everything i shouldnt be doing and nothing i should have done. it was meant to invigorate me, but i feel more bogged down than ever.

2008-05-17T00:19:00.003+08:00

just as how mel puts it, i wish we could go back to sec 3/4. but we cant, and i'm glad we are still as close, if not closer than before. some bonds don't break. these friends bear testimony to it.

-Sometimes, it is harder to be a teacher than a student today. and as a CT rep, or pseudo one, i feel i could and should have done something to change the class culture. there are times i just wanted to take some time off CT sessions and without the presence of any teachers, have a chat with the class. sad to say, i chicken out always. i do care for my class, and i feel partly responsible for all that's happening now. truancy, lack of punctuality, and most of all disrespect.

attitude speaks volumes about a person's character.

on another note, Shake08 was sadly, mediocre. well, barring the fact that tickets were grossly oversold. i certainly didnt enjoy sitting on the floor. i think i preferred last year's dances. they could make my hair stand. what lack of emotions. the emceeing was beyond redemption, and the lighting was quite distracting. yet, i did like a couple of dances, and more importantly, seeing how my pseudo mum's hardwork have to fruition. i look forward to ms dong reverting to her old, somewhat happier, self.

as for me, i think i've kinda seen the light. study schedules will follow soon after. i really want to do well and prove a point. i'm more than just talk. as mr leong puts it, i shouldnt keep lowering my expectations, which my mum agreed. perhaps wharton, though currently an impossibility, will be possible if i put in effort. notice the present tense. i have to do it. i'm not going to end up regretting once again.

thanks sis once again for the wallet. i love the smell of leather haha. and if u're reading this, tell mummy to stop worrying unduly. for one, i'm NOT attached, and for two, i will work hard.

(and on a completely random note) i think i want to emo to mr wong (for fun). he can become so "benevolent" as edlyn puts it. i think i need to let everything out and only then i can focus.

lastly, cheer up people. it is not the end of the world. there's always something else to look forward to in life. be forward looking.

2008-05-15T23:45:00.002+08:00

it's just sad how our world is going crazy. the hour i spent watching news coverage on the earthquake in china made me teary. even the tsunami didnt have such a profound impact on me. and i think mel succinctly puts everything in perspective by saying "i want to do OCIP in china, like now". i dont remember when was the last time i felt such a pertinent need to do something. and such disasters remind me of how fortunate i am, as well as how silly i am to be upset over issues i have control over.

on a happier note, sister got me a belated birthday present. a wallet, which i really needed. first, it was the last remaining thing of hers, and second, my old wallet really needed to be changed. sis has good taste i must say. she splurges on me at times, which make me guilty for being such a miser. but i think ever since i became single, i've been more willing to spend on others around me. that reminds me, i still owe sis her iClear (for macbooks). i like simple things. simplicity oozes charm.

lol sometimes suayu can be such a pain to talk to (online). but there are only that few people that i know i can rely upon. and now, the great denyse (summons) makes me feel guilty for not contributing to Time Tunnel. i've been ordered to watch the final scene of God Father.

there have been people(from the past) making appearances (in the present). from the wenzhou people who i met on exchange in sec 3, to mark ong, my SJI canoeing senior. it reminds to be seen how long such friendships can be sustained. but perhaps the mere act of trying overrides the (futility) of it all.

i am thankful. yet, there's so much more i have to do.

2008-05-15T00:08:00.000+08:00

certainly, you are nothing without 4As in singapore.

2008-05-13T23:59:00.002+08:00

finally found the song url to link onto my blog. i'm not having the best moment of my life that's for sure, and i hope i can snap out of it. had strange dreams last night, not one but a few. from killing whales/elephants that lie on the jetty to other stuff, i dont know why but those dreams were so weird. perhaps poe/coleridge is getting to me.

i've also pledged so many days to stuff that doesnt seem to matter now, ie being a facilitator at some SL symposium rui an is organizing, to CIP day at IMH and even VBC. i think i really need a good chat, just can't find anyone that have the time or am on the same wavelength. it's not everyday that i am looking for a confidante, in fact, most of the times, i play auntie agony. ironic how i cant even solve my own problems yet people deem me as someone who offers, to some extent, decent advice. i dont think i ever really confided in anyone. i dont know whether i will.

and i think i just injured my knee. well, not permanently but just strained the graft abit too much. sigh, i dont even dare to kick a ball now. i've to resist the urge. it's not worth it, after this 6 months of physiotherapy. just 3 more months and i'll be able to play. it's just 3 more months. every inch of me is bruised, i need a day where i just sit back and dont do anything.

2008-05-12T21:44:00.003+08:00

i really think i will break down soon from the pressure to do well for As. the haunting memories of screwing up for PSLE still grip onto me even till today. just what if it happens again. a road sweeper i shall be.

i try to focus, but i just can't seem to do it. someone please help me. if only i had 50% of sua's intellect and 50% of yicheng's mugness... but no pain no gain, and i know that. i just cant do it i'm afraid.

sighting of sweets perhaps makes school funnier haha. but of course, it is all but a candy. xian's poem amused me like crazy, just as how it's fun to call cheryl "enloong". i know i'm probably gonna get niaoed on the tagboard but w/e.

and now i'm trudging through pages and pages of chinese research papers on sino-russian energy diplomacy. if only it was CSE. my chinese standards are perhaps a quarter of my competency in english, if not less. how then am i going to do well for CSC?

i wonder whether there is added significance to the form of this blog post. it is seldom that i write in such short, succinct sentences. the length of each paragraph further accentuates something, which perhaps, no one but i will understand.

mum likes the muji house slippers i got her. i didnt see her the whole of mother's day. but i'm glad she likes her present. but the following postcard belies something i've never told my mum.

but because of the next postcard, i'm not gonna give up being what you want me to become.

happy (belated) mother's day.

2008-05-07T23:58:00.002+08:00

i finally realised why i've been so lacklustre in school, studies and anything associated with academic results. i think deep down, i've already given up on myself. the inertia stems from the sudden epiphany that i am not as good or smart as i thought i was, in fact, i'm a long way behind the best. i dont want to do another 'psle'-- being in the best class and getting 247 when i was suppose to close my eyes and get 265. i dont want to look back 5 years from now and think, what it could have been. and i know i have been saying this many times. tomorrow will mark the first day i spend in the library doing work, albeit work that i owe.

and CT session today made me realize how i miss Mr Leong's didactic speeches that seem old-school yet tugs at my heart-strings. it's sad how student-teacher relationships seem so much more distant in college than in high school. i guess i should head back to high school for lunch more often. and it was a pleasant surprise to meet ms koe and have a quick chat with her that day. i realized i always look to the elders for support, no matter how much they may nag. deep down, i rely on people to feel good. i don't know whether it's bad, but i do know that someday, i'll have no one to rest upon but myself.

i feel more settled now. and i am ready to make the final charge. i look forward to studying in US with a scholarship. it is possible only if i want it enough. and i really do.

ps. i feel like a bimbo but gossip girl is intriguing. it opens the door to a world i've never was exposed to. the good, the bad and the ugly. can you withstand societal pressure? i know i can.

2008-05-04T23:38:00.002+08:00

i left both poe and coleridge books in siying's locker and i've to complete the comparison essay now. i am lost for words because i don't even know how or where to begin. and in all honesty, i've read/studied/truly understand less than 5 of their works (combined). how then am i gonna complete this essay!?

so since i was bored, frustrated and on the brink of giving up, i came across my strength quest results. i think it fits me perfectly, and reading it really remindsme of who i am and what i want to become. if you are interested, read on, if not don't bother cos this is all i'm gonna talk about in this post.
so my top 5 strength (in order) is:
Strategic
Woo
Command
Includer
Restorative

1. Strategic
It’s very likely that you analyze the lessons of the past to find clues for handling future situations.Piecing together the causes and effects of historical events allows you to discover alternate routes to your goal. You are seldom taken by surprise. Why? You have probably studied your options and crafted innovative solutions. Driven by your talents, you are much more innovative when you have ample time to process ideas. As long as you are not pressured to think fast, you can generate many original proposals, alternatives, or tactics for the coming months, years, or decades. Because of your strengths, you usually identify problems others fail to notice. You repeatedly create solutions and find the right answers. You yearn to improve things about yourself, other people, or situations. You are drawn to classes, books, or activities that promise to give you the skills and knowledge you seek. By nature, you invent original ideas of your own. Your imagination is typically stimulated when you collaborate -- that is, team up -- with future-oriented thinkers.

2. Woo
Chances are good that you automatically engage outsiders or newcomers in small talk. You sense when someone feels left out of a conversation. You hope to make new friends by involving people in various activities. You probably comment favorably about the talents or accomplishments of many individuals. You sincerely want them to know they are worthy of the time and effort you invest in them. By nature, you probably tell jokes and act out funny stories to involve newcomers as well as outsiders in discussions. One of your joys is making strangers feel welcome and part of the group. Driven by your talents, you are naturally fond of people who are quite different from you, your friends, your family, or your associates. This explains why you find it so easy to include so many individuals in your groups or activities. Instinctively, you characteristically move quickly from person to person. You entice people by giving them your attention. You probably are most comfortable when surrounded by individuals who regard you as influential, important, or prominent. Being at the center of social activity tends to invigorate you.

3. Command
Driven by your talents, you may be the person to whom group members turn for original thoughts. Perhaps ideas pop into your consciousness as soon as someone describes a problem or an opportunity. It’s very likely that you are likely to be the team member who influences your friends to start tasks and keep working until they are done. You often pressure your pals to reach goals by issuing orders, confronting slackers, or forcing poor performers to meet quality standards. You generate enthusiasm for a project by pulling together all the human or material resources your teammates need to succeed. Instinctively, you sometimes suppress your emotions, and may be cautious and reserved. Rather than add to the drama of a situation, you might choose to study the facts. You may spend little time discussing your own or others' feelings. To some extent, you prefer to simply weigh the consequences of whatever you say and do. When people understand this, they might be willing to wait for you to process facts or refine your concepts and plans. Chances are good that you notice that people heed your demands. What you say and how you say it can even frighten and threaten people. You have probably used this effect to influence individuals to do what you want.

4. Includer
Instinctively, you often team up with futurists to work on projects or assignments. You genuinely appreciate the way their minds function. Besides, you really dislike working alone. It’s very likely that you live peacefully with many types of people. You seek opportunities to cooperate with outsiders.
You welcome newcomers into your life. You help them fit in to the group. Usually, they permit you to draw them into casual chitchat or serious discussions. Talking with strangers probably energizes you. By nature, you may perform at an optimal level -- physically or mentally -- later in the day. Perhaps you have figured out the exact hours during the late afternoon or evening when your concentration and your capacity to work hard are strongest. Because of your strengths, you derive much joy from teaming with people to accomplish things. You view work, study, and play as opportunities to socialize and be productive. This explains why you need to interact with others on a regular basis. People probably energize you.

5. Restorative
By nature, you occasionally center your efforts on making improvements that you decide are intriguing or relevant to your life. Maybe you need to feel passionate about these opportunities. Why? You might want to devote time and energy to acquiring the knowledge and/or skills you sense you lack. To some degree, this explains why you periodically force yourself to address specific shortcomings. It’s very likely that you usually offer people useful suggestions about what needs to be fixed, upgraded, renovated, or done better. Instinctively, you frequently outthink and outmaneuver
people. You concentrate on what you need do more completely or more perfectly in the future. Because of your strengths, you intentionally concentrate your time, energy, and effort on bettering numerous aspects of your personal or professional life. You are thrilled when you can renew things that have been neglected. You probably have dedicated yourself to completing, upgrading, or perfecting your skills, knowledge, projects, ideas, plans, or processes.

i think they all complement each other but i wonder why i can't fulfil these strength. they seem inherent in me, yet so, undeveloped. i think the teachers are right in saying i've so much more going for me but i repeatedly short-change myself. cmon lilong, dont settle for mediocracy.

2008-05-04T22:45:00.001+08:00

it's nice to know that people care.

2008-05-02T23:45:00.002+08:00

i survived ptg somehow. i think mum have adopted the you-are-old-enough-no-point-being-angry mentality, which is actually suits me. i don't know whether the teachers were being kind but i'm "above average but just not fulfilling the potential". and of course i sleep during lessons haha. i think mr leong was most kind to me, i wasn't there when my mum spoke to him but apparently he thinks i've the personality and character to succeed, just i lack the extra push to do well academically. i kinda know all these stuff... the not trying hard enough, not focusing, not studying consistently blah blah is eating into my results. and of course, realized that macs@beauty world is increasingly getting polluted by random people. it used to be so serene, so conducive for studying. now, i think the school library will be the place you can find me after school everyday. i suppose i can study and do physio at SALT before going back for dinner. just six more months.

2008-05-01T23:52:00.002+08:00

Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning
'til there's nothing but dark blue
Just dark blue-huee

i'll have to find a embed version of dark blue by jack's mannequin. it's my favourite song at the moment.
this two days flew past so fast again. VBC has finally come to a closure, and i must say it brought out the ugly side of people. but at least it's over, and now i can finally concentrate on everything else.
for the next weeks/months i'll be studying everyday in school at the library. i hope i can really pull it off. do a "jessica" and be a chao mugger. hahaha. too bad the only people-watching activities in the library are... fellow muggers... which hmm, okay nevermind. i need to focus and pull out that mug in me.
PTG tml, and i'm slightly worried. i think my attitude in class... is obviously very lacking. but i can't help it since i'm bored 99% of the time and sleeping in the other 1%. i dont think it affects my grades too much since i dont learn in lessons. even preparing for the timed assignment for econs, wiki have been a greater help to me then the stacks of lecture notes. succinct and precise.
whatever it is, i've to just stop procrastinating. time is running short. it's now or never.

2008-04-28T22:44:00.002+08:00

this is the 301st post for my blog. i never knew my blog was that old. haha, thank god i dont link archives or i'll just get laughed at. hahah.

anyway, the postsecret card of the week.

dont get imprisoned by what you are not.

life's been good i suppose. i still can't snap out of this inertia and start studying. it's weird how there always seem to be a million excuses for not doing work. and i watched a Pursuit of Happiness on HBO last weekend (again), and something struck me. Will Smith said that since young, he dreamed of becoming so many things, but he became none of them. i certainly dont want to end up like this. the macdonald study plan, well, will be shelved for the time-being cos of vbc unless of course i can connect to internet then. i'm aiming for A for econs this assignment and at least a C for math. it's time i get to studying.

oh i am enjoying the ability to network and make friends. lol, it's strange how the world becomes so much smaller and accessible as my social network widens. i thank mum for the ability to socialize decently well.

since ah gong likes to watch dong4 wu4(animals) so much. imma download an episode of discovery channel for him hahha and bring the macbook over. but everyone agree the damage has already been done, he's like having memory lapses now and then. at least he is happy. i guess my aunties and mum will have to play more mahjong with him and be more accommodating haha!

alrighto, its time i get to work. in between vbc and tv. haha

2008-04-26T23:27:00.003+08:00

haha mum just emo-ed to me for an hour. it was utterly random and unexpected. i think i failed to be more supportive and all cos i really didnt know how to react or what to say. so i ended up stoning and watching the tv, with the occasional glances at her. i was listening, i just couldnt find an appropriate reaction. but it was only after tonight that i realised the complexity of human beings and how, sometimes, the facades in life appear so real.

and ah gong's fine. thank goodness. he's much better than he was a few days ago i heard. and suayu has a strange way of consoling people(or is it just me?) he'll give this spastic look and go "are you okay?" and u'd honestly thinking he was being an ass. then he'd do it again and add the "i'm serious" lines. lol. but thanks alot.

the steamboat dinner was strange. our table was smoking and burning underneath but i think we couldn't really be bothered until there was quite abit of smoke hahaha. it was damn lame cos we'd be eating and melvin would be repeatedly saying there's alot of smoke and we'd ignore him. soon, suayu and i were tearing for no reason hahaha. sua was like "is it the normal thing for the table to burn??" hahahha. and the table beside us was amused and sparked off a chain of actions ahha.

and i'm just glad my life have been considerably good to date. i can't help but wonder how i'll handle VBC again next week. gee, i hope i survive PTG too...

2008-04-25T00:17:00.002+08:00

i am suppose to be doing literature right now, but i just am not in the mood to do much. i cannot really put how i'm feeling down in words, except as i told sam, i'm not happy neither am i sad. i think i've been too happy go lucky and so ha-ha-ha for too long such that sometimes my happy nature just takes a back seat. and so, without any warnings whatsoever, i am entrapped in this bubble. and i'm finding it very hard to breathe.

whatever it is, my birthday has been a very memorable one. thank you all for all the presents. i love the tofu(thanks for remembering!!), penguin(i dont look like one szu an), winnie the pooh pink thing(hmm... HAHA), all the gifts from jeffrey (and for organizing the lunch), xin er for the monkey (and yicheng gave a banana hahaha). Thanks to wang for the lovely card and sweets(but compared to erhems present...LOL), hongwei for coming for lunch and paying for the m18 book hahahah. jessica for being such an entertainer and adept fisher -winks. melody for being a great friend. suayu for the really meaningful(depends on how u look at it) letter lol! and my family for the fantastic meal and for providing me with a home i can always count on. thanks to everyone for all the well wishes etc, though i know this post is alittle overdue. i realised i'm really a sucker for letters and the likes, it just is nice to read, in black and white, what is going on in the heads of my friends. that's why suayu and wanglin's letters were pleasant surprises. and of course, who would forget, the strange and insane card ms dong and girl gang came up with. i almost died laughing when i open it. and of course the guy gang for squeezing stuff into the card haha. btw dong, i totally agree u could have done a better choice with the selection of a more glam cut-out photo HAHA. but i xin ling already la. lol.

yes sister, writing is indeed therapeutic. i realised i seldom turn to people when i'm upset. i just find it hard to suddenly talk seriously etc with others. maybe that's why my blog seems 'emo'. i think being such a clown makes it all the more difficult for me to confide in others. and when i really am upset, it's so obvious. i remember that short period of time, hahaha everyone in class could tell, but no one knew what to do just cos no one knew how to approach the ever-seemingly-nothing-gets-him-down-but-is-now-really-down-and-out lilong. but i guess i am comforted by knowing people actually do bother. sometimes, one doesnt have to say anything or do anything, but it still somehow achieves a unexplainable effect on others.

anyway, ah gong had a mild stroke. that's after my dad's eldest brother, which is da bo, who had a bad fall and is out of the danger zone, but semi-comatose. all this just made me realize the frailty of life. ah gong's accident took a shine off the impending dinner tonight with my most cherished friends from high school council. i'm not sure whether i'll now be able to enjoy the dinner as much as i've been eagerly anticipating it. this dinners/lunches/get-togethers bring back stability in my life. just as how lunch with suayu and jijo(before he was so busy) would make school seem so much more bearable. this memories, and friends, i certainly will never forget.

i guess sincerity goes a long way from the forming of a relationship to ensuring it lasts a life time. if there's something i am proud of, it's how i manage to make friends, and more importantly, keep them. most of the times, i dont even remember how i actually made friends with them. it just happens so magically. and i think it makes me happy when i know i made a difference in their lives. they say having an apple a day keeps the doctor away, i say, cheering a person up a day makes me feel safer in this crazy crazy world.

unlike suayu, my posts are unentertaining and amazingly boring(and also at times, didactic). but i write for a reason which i myself cant explain. yet, i really do feel like it's a nice place to vent. at least i dont take it out on people.

good luck to everyone's who is in the midst of nationals, or whose season have abruptly came to an end like me. as i told xian yun(who keeps saying i'm damn nag but sorry lah, i'm not as funny as SAM), be forward looking. and of course, the you-only-have-24-hours to cry and be upset theory. honestly, don't cry over spilled milk (except for that 24hours only), i'd rather clean up the mess and think of how not to spill milk again. what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

last but not least, i'm quaking in my feet at my mum's proclamation of wanting to see every, i repeat, every subject teacher. i dread to think of the comments from people like liang yong. what's there to comment beside oh! wo de ban shi ta de shui jiao shi jian. (i'm partly glad that sis will have trouble reading chinese so there's a chance she may not understand ahhahaha!) aiyah, i think only mr leong and mdm yeoh will have good comments for me. i wish i would bump into the ne2twork teachers like mdm tengara, mr tan and mrs eileen tan somehow, and they can start wowing my mum with their impressions of me, which i believe, is exceptional. apparently they are semi-bemused that i appear in VBC and BBI every year lol. and i'm honestly thinking of having one of them as my character referees just based on these trivial interactions =/ dream on lilong.

good night people. i've to get back to conquering mr wong's poem. i guess i'm just going to annotate and go to bed. i'm aching all over. physiotherapy's like a torture session that i enjoy. dont get me wrong, i'm not sadistic. but it's an amazing feeling to know how every drop of sweat, every time i cringe and the efforts put in, reaps rewards at the end of the day. i'd gladly get very bad muscle aches if it meant me being able to kick a ball sooner. i'm just a few more months from there. hang in there.

was shocked to receive an email from my wenzhou friend(not even my buddy). its amazing what exchange programmes achieve. friendships know no boundaries.

to everyone who's upset over one thing or another... you have another 23hours and 59minutes to stay that way. after that, it's time to pick yourself up. my emo periods last for more like 2minutes and 40seconds. haha. and i realized i've been playing Uncle Agony to an assortment of people recently - not that i'm complaining. i think that's why i'm here.

2008-04-21T01:59:00.002+08:00

i owe everyone a big thank you post for giving me such a wonderful birthday. never felt so happy for a long time. i'll give a more detailed thank you when i've the time! it's strange how i hate doing last minute work, but it's only at the last minute that i am actually propelled to do work. my efficiency is directly proportionate to the level of state of emergency i am in. i think i can survive in a pressure cooker haha!

filling up the SAT registration today made me more aware of where i want to head to. right now, i'm thinking of UVA and cornell. it's quite a long shot, but dare to dream. bro says that i should worry about my grades then worry about where i want to go. i told him that for me, knowing where i want to go will determine how hard i'll work (and get the grades). it's the opposite way for me, just like how i wear my watch on the right. it's the way i am.

2am now, i'm almost falling asleep. and i really like this song. but hey hey people, stop imagining things. it's just a song okay. i feel damn bad cos i owe hannah a letter for over a week. poor junior. by tuesday i'll finish both letters. haha. good night for now.

ps. thanks for making my tagboard more exciting. hahahaha
pps. i really need a new blogskin. volunteer ur services people!

2008-04-17T01:48:00.003+08:00

you people make me who i am. and i'm glad for your presence in my life. thanks everyone for all the well-wishes. i think mum doesnt know but something she said sometime last week still sticks in my head. "my children are my achievements" thanks mummy, for the faith in us. sorry for all the mood swings and all, i'm just going through a phase known as adolescence.

and to cherrylene, you know i'll always be here rain or shine. if u need a listening ear, just pop me a call/sms. whatever it is, u'll always have our support aye (and the vacant room as well) haha! don't worry, everything will work out fine.

i meet the world today with an ever-optimistic outlook. my mantra in my eighteenth year of life is simply to be happy and to try and spread it around.

ps. sis, i already wiped ur darn macbook like !@!£! times. i'll try get the iclear i promise = =

2008-04-16T22:54:00.002+08:00

VBC has turned my life upside down once again. i can't believe i spent my last few days totally caught up in it. but it's rewarding HAHa. just i'm not sure the price i pay for it is worth it. think sleepless nights and piling homework.

and in 45 minutes it's my eighteenth birthday. sis is upset cos i cant remember hers(theirs and everyone else's birthday). for that i'm truly sorry cos, i really am bad with dates. i kinda try to remember by putting birthdays in my organizers. and this birthday, i realised how fortunate i am to have friends planning a birthday for me. and it made me feel bad, cos i realised i've gave alot of empty promises. i almost always keep to my words, but sometimes it slips my mind. so this year will be time to make up for it. and since i'm single and have alot of savings now, means lol, its time to catch up with the gift-giving. haha!

i think i am such a nerd. i kinda enjoyed the talk by Ms Yong, the perm sec of MOH. lol. government policy-making is so cool. talking to jessica also made me realised i remember all the totally stupid and trivial stuff hahaha. and after being dragged by edlyn and hanzhi for that hour long talking session, they (along with i) realized how i know all the unimportant stuff. think gossips. heck, i dont even know how i know. hahaha i just hear them from all over the place subconsciously.

alright, it's 15 more minute to my big day. i think i need to put down vbc for awhile and get to doing my work. been procrastinating for so damn long and with tml in mind, i dont think i've time to touch my work too. sigh.

and great job xian! well done on the win hahaha. fake torres =X it's back to writing. there are so many stuff to do. letters abound as well. tiring days ahead i foresee. happy 18th birthday to myself. my birthday wish is... it's a secret. ( no not that edlyn/hanzhi/xian yun/sam/and many other people )

stay happy everyone.

2008-04-14T00:49:00.001+08:00

tonight arsenal elucidated that if you dont take your chances, everything comes to naught. oh, what it could have been.

2008-04-13T11:43:00.002+08:00

i'm all caught up with VBC once again. say hello to those unearthly hours where one of us will wake up and all blurry-eyed(ly) switch on the computer to play the game. it became more of a game last year. i think i was, to some extent, obsessed in the competition. i love the feeling of winning just as much as i hate losing. this drives me to do the things i do sometimes. thankfully i'm still guided by my principles. all this strategizing and planning made me realize that i'd really like to study business/management in uni. dad suggests econs and business management double degree, and i don't know whether i'm up to doing a double degree (if it exists in the first place). and all this hype about preparing for uni, aka talks and scholarship guides, are pushing me to the point that i'm repressing the want to study. i can't explain it. but the more stress i am, the more i am pushed to study (by my parents), the more i resent it. my self-motivation gets a dent by all this, or perhaps it's just an excuse.

on a side note, anyone wanna offer to help me find a nice 'not emo' blog template. gee why does everyone think i am emo just cos my blog color is BLACK. besides, if u know me, u'll know that my personality is the exact polar opposite. i think optimism has guided me through the viccissitudes of life. (lol, new word learnt from mr wong) i dont know whether i spelled it correctly but it just mean ups and downs of life haha.

once again i'm wasting my time online. currently there's 3 things on my mind. 1.winning vbc, 2. winning BBI 3. study harder. if i achieve 1, or more importantly 2, i'll treat everyone who read this HAHA. darn i really wanna go silicon valley for a business tour. lol and enloong is crapping with me online. i've decided that 250k/annum does not compensate for my lack of interest in PSC, if i actually get that scholarship. 2.5million per month sounds so much better HAHAA. continue dreaming lilong, i'm sure u can earn that much. if only my business plans are as good in theory as it is in practical. if it was, i'd by now, be a multi-millionaire many times over. did i mention, some guy was apparently impressed by our presentation he offered to buy it for a few hundred thousand but the school rejected. (our product simply cannot be proven to work haha) wow but that's so cool. business is the way to go maaaaaaan.

aight, i gotta go off for lunch! good luck to you and you and you for nationals. dont bother figuring who 'you'(s) are referring to. rather, have fun doing so. because they aren't referring to anyone in particular HAHA.

ps. I REALLY DO NOT WRITE LETTERS AGAIN AND AM GETTING TRAUMATIZED EVERYDAY FOR IT.

2008-04-09T22:25:00.002+08:00

i think i mentioned this before. but i'm continually reminded and amused by the state of delusion HP is in with the notion that their papers are harder (okay maybe it's hard to do econs mcq? lol) and how high they are placed on a pedestal. don't get me wrong, i like some HP people, i just find it amazing how we still bow to colonialism ever so willingly. lol.

and i just realised that SATS will probably be of greater importance to me than A levels at the end of the year. i mean if i get a zai score, i'll just apply for US and get in already. but then again, there's the question of getting a scholarship. after the PSC talk, i'm convinced i dont want to end up a civil servant and found the hc alumni cum scholar was so... okay never mind. and i like the idea of studying in a foreign language country since lessons are conducted in english as well. France now seems more alluring than american junk. but whatever it is, i guess i need to go to less soccer matches and study harder. lol.

talk is cheap as ms heng always says.

2008-04-08T23:51:00.002+08:00

dad just told me i can study in University of Berkeley which is in california and stay with my uncle(the one who's staying at my place at the moment) who's going to retire in Sans Fransico. fantastic. berkeley, though not super ivy-league, but is still one of the best few business university (8th according to some US report and 2 according to business times!). more importantly, the acceptance rate is not like those wth 2% kind. lol yay, it made my day. spent my whole night reading on berkeley uni. lol okay i think i shall not be so ambitious and aim to go there. but the strange thing is 46% of the students there are asians!? hahha but okay la, ms clare told me in scotland that maybe its good to go to a not so mug university and enjoy/play/study at the same time. i certainly dont want to mug the best years of my life away.

on a sad note, my father's elder brother fell and fractured his skull quite badly. currently still in the ICU. sigh, i hope he'll be alright. that just took the shine off the night.

2008-04-07T23:25:00.002+08:00

f you're trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I've had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
-Michael Jordan

koped it from xianyun's blog. i really miss playing football and training for it. i understood how frustrated zhihong was, and then i realized that i've missed over 10 months of football as compared to being left on the bench for 80minutes. no one knows how painful it was and still is till now. but i've come a long way. 3 more months to kicking a ball. that makes it four months of physiotherapy. tomorrow's the dont'knowhowmany session already. it's so tiring and my muscles will ache like shit after that. sighhh the long road to recovery.

on a side note, my blocks is a BDDDU. gee how lousy is that. but aiyah i think i'll be above average for all subjects except maths which means i'm still not too bad. but i need to get 70% to be a DIPLOMA holder. how superficial.

good night dudes, so tired now.

2008-04-07T01:50:00.002+08:00

Woah it's 2am. amazing how yicheng and i did an entire executive summary in just one night. okay yicheng did most of the work, i just did the thinking part. haha, i remember how ms koe always compared both of us be it leadership style or working style. yicheng is methological, disciplined and meticulous whereas i'm the creative spark. so basically when we come together, i form the direction of the company and he 'tank' the nonsense. haha it's totally fine with me, but i shall try to share the burden alittle more. haha. if i dont make it to semis, that means i can kiss the silicon valley trip goodbye. that will be traumatizing.

i havent been studying. from tomorrow onwards, i'll get down to finishing all those tutorials and also studying econs so i can give peer tutoring. sorry meixuan =/

it's late, and i'm damn tired. just had a family dinner which means havoc in the kitchen. sis did a wonderful clam chowder and italian lamb chop. we also had salad and baked bread(I BAKED IT). okay that's a half-truth since the bread was not made from scratch haha, i just had to put it in the oven and roast it to perfection. i took pride in it okaay. fabian did a chocolate mousse and i had a hand stirring it along with the balsamic sauce which freaking burned my finger. i'm rambling now cos i cant really think.

and i think it's a sign i should go to bed. still waiting for the pdf file to be printed out.
oh and jessica's going through SOME exciting moments. hahaha. it never fails to amaze me how she is probably my best female friend. and the way we became friends was even more random but funny anyway.

alright its BED TIME. like finally =/

2008-04-02T23:36:00.003+08:00

just read guojie's blog. don't know whether to feel sorry for him or how to encourage him. he's a truly nice guy. and i wish him all the best.

i realised my literature have not done as well as i had hoped it would. i guess my time management was really bad this time round. well, but i think my front section of herland was looking quite decent haha, only had time to deal with the treatment of home in a succinct paragraph which meant my marks were capped. now there's only Mr Wong's section left. i think i did well for that. i can only hope for the best. currently my grades are a dismal B, U. i wonder when i'll ever step out of this. but i swear i studied quite hard for blocks although of course i could have been more consistent. sighh.

been playing poker on facebook alot these few days. it's amazing how much you can win/lose in a game considering it's no limits. that's the danger of it all.

oh and uncle chiow san, my dad's brother, just arrived from canada and is staying at our place. he is a dean of sorts, kinda like the 2nd in command, of a Canadian university. lol i guess if all else fails i'll park myself at that university.

in this coming weeks, i intend to pick up the pace and start mugging. sam would say its lilong, he wont be mugging. i say, people change.

2008-03-31T23:34:00.002+08:00

i've never felt so tired for a long time. i dont know what came over me but i came back after dinner and plonked on the bed at 9. waking up to 3 messages make me go OH SHIT cos i totally forgot about the startup meeting i was suppose to have. i think business competitions like BBI are a major source of income for me haha! not that important now that i'm single but still, it doesnt hurt to earn extra money. haha! okay i better hope i win it if not super diu lian if i lose to people from other lands, especially from you know where. i think its suayu's fault that i'm becoming increasingly critical of such superficiality. hahaa we are suppose to be one big FAMILY.

anyhow, xianyun's present brought some cheers to my day! you're damn sneaky to make me carry it around whole day la! hahaha my mum randomly arranged it with the balloon flower being hugged by mr bean's bear and went 'the color scheme so nice' haha! but really, thanks so much for being such a great friend though i only knew your THIS year hahaha. it's amazing how strangers are just friends-to-be.

then, i rushed down only to catch the second half of the match. it's nice to see how the hc team has grown from strength to strength but it hurts knowing i could have been part of it. but then again, huang cheng was an amazing experience too. it's just as though everything is predestined. i gave up running for council for soccer. soccer gave me up to huang cheng. but all's well ends well except for the $17 000 bill for my knee just cos of a bastard who's name goes by DING JIE. i dont even remember him apologizing. the measure of a man, indeed.

these few weeks have been kind on me. i think i put in a decent effort for block test. but i think my parents, especially dad, fails to see it. it's disappointing how people tend to recall more easily the 'bad' things as compared to achievements. but i guess i just have to continue sticking my head in and working hard. though i got 30 for maths, haha i think it was still a decent improvement considering MY standard. and i got a B for econs, which is in short quite disappointing now that we went through the paper. those careless slips cost me my A, but nonetheless i think i did okay for it. sometimes i wish i was blessed with exceptional IQ like erhem, suayu. imagine not studying and getting A for econs. the world's unfair alright lol.

on a very random note, i'm such a bad KTV companion simply cos i dont listen to chinese songs. i dont know why you guys find it so hard to believe. yes i do take CSC, but it by no way means i'm cheena =X hahaha. but it's quite fun actually if the people are crazy like hongwei. anyhow my sister has just parked herself beside me sitting here reading my blog post. i swear she's crazy cos now she's demanding for a conversation =S gee. hahaha

aight the time's not RIGHT for blogging now, cya and thanks load for the super early present xianyun!

2008-03-22T00:11:00.004+08:00

oh and these few pictures bring back a lot of memories in victoria theatre... and of course the company there.

i dont know what we were doing really.
and this too

2008-03-21T23:03:00.004+08:00

i hope sam does not act funny and really go and do what enloong is psycho-ing him to do at this very moment. lol.

on a side note, frozen angel was a very meaningful and powerful, i dont know what to call it, but in the creative director's words "an experiential play". to be honest i couldnt quite catch the many innuendos and allusions in the play till after the dialogue session. yet, the more i think about it, frozen angel then takes on a very interesting social commentary on the future that beckons. perhaps, as science progresses, men may remain stagnant or even regress. anyhow, this after thoughts mean nothing if you havent catch the play.

oh and rui an added me on lj after eh, a month? i guess he had to ponder over where to place me in his many strata's of friends lol. but okay, it marks an improvement in our otherwise strange friendship. but in many ways, he is an awesome person.

and i love this song by yael naim. i watched the MV today and though i may have over-read it's intended (and of course, unintended) meaning, it was still amazing. haha, okay i'm just wasting my time online while CSC is tomorrow. i honestly think there's no point studying CSC cos the scope is near to being undefined.

and it's strange now that huang cheng has ended and there's nothing else to occupy my time. i cant even play street soccer now. sad to say, but studies is all that i have. alrighto, enjoy the song!

2008-03-18T23:03:00.000+08:00

i've not touched vectors and complex numbers.

on a side note, i wish things stop happening to china. aka, tibet's call for independence just die out and what not. you see, the more things that happen to china, the more I'VE TO STUDY FOR CSC. and what the hell, with practically no scope, everything and anything can be tested. so, china, would you please stop being so AA.

okay back to maths.

2008-03-17T21:58:00.002+08:00

first time GP was wtf. but aside from that, econs was relatively a breeze.

i think it could be the effect of receiving those cards from my dao ju juniors. sure did brighten my day and made me much more optimistic about blocks. and precisely because of that, it made me all the more guilty for slacking in the early stages of my huang cheng life. and even more so for always 'dao-ing' the juniors. actually, i just seldom approach people for random chit chat, but i sure can partake in one if there's an opportune moment (which sadly came so intermittently during huang cheng). oh well, what's over is over. but that doesn't mean it's the end of my yellow city experience.

brother reignited our interest in poker. spent my sunday afternoon watching Rounders which was a superb movie. then, played poker with my mum and brother from 11 to 12.40am the same night. that explains why i'm pretty lethargic today. and as i see the huge stack of math that jian zhong did, i cant help but feel that i'm pretty much doomed for mathematics. at least, lit can be smoked through to some extent. as for maths, it's just right or wrong.

and if i were to choose, i certainly prefer ambiguity.

2008-03-16T13:55:00.001+08:00

hi,

sometimes the greatest events in our lives
are defined by the simplest acts we do.

bye.

2008-03-14T18:19:00.000+08:00

it's more about not letting yourself down than not letting others look down upon you.

2008-03-13T00:00:00.000+08:00

"...Last night there was a horse in the road
I was twisting in the hairpin
My hands held on my mind let go
And back to you my heart went skipping
I found the inside of the road
Thought about the first time that I met you
All those glances that we stole
Sometimes if you want them then you've got to..."

what interesting lyrics from the song lol.

2008-03-12T23:48:00.003+08:00

you won't know if you dont try.

2008-03-11T00:50:00.002+08:00

haha watching suayu cry is bound to make anyone cry. but yea, the memories in huang cheng is simply ineffable. i dont cry (in public) often, but i did at xie mu. and the raw emotions on stage was just so overpowering. the only time i remember experiencing this was at batch dinner. haha but what can u expect when jerry, jijo and suayu are on stage crying together at the same time.

anyhow, the impending blocks mean i've to collect myself and get down to work. quite possible now that my brother doesnt want to renew the WoW account haha. come to think of it, blocks does not seem as daunting as it used to. and i think with a tad of hardwork, i can do decently well.

anyhow i've not much to say now cos i'm still in this dizzied blur.

2008-03-04T23:38:00.002+08:00

i feel quite remorseful over my dismal attitude for huangcheng haha! sorry melvvvin. but aiyah, sometimes he's mood swings are uncalled for too. anyhow, there are really times when there is nothing to do. rather, nothing visible to do. oh well, i guess i've to continue acting busy though i must say i've done quite abit today lol. and i've given one of my firsts to huangcheng. my first time sewing hahaha. realized that there are quite funny characters in dao ju. and i've began to enjoy going for huang cheng, and staying longer each time lol. it's just a heeheehaha session most of the times, amongst doing work of course. and there's a only a few days left to go. so might as well step on the accelerator.

school's been fleeting past. have been catching up on sleep during lessons too unfortunately. it's not really cause of huang cheng but more so of late nights. that reminds me. i really get very irritated when mum parks herself downstairs, waiting for me to go to bed. you know, the virtually non-interaction yet painful silence that gives rise to a very very tense and unhappy atmosphere. i hate to be watched. and more so, hate to not be trusted. i guess if i somehow can score decent grades for blocks my life will be so much easier. and average of B will already be super impressive. haha and for once i think i can do well. that is if i put in effort, but i never do more often than not.

and if there's something that drives me to do well, it's not disappointing myself again.

happy 18th birthday jerry. i dont know how to celebrate mine except throwing a small party. then again, i've never actually had a birthday party lol. it's always a simple dinner with my family (not that i mind). but maybe i can try something new. haha!

2008-02-27T23:36:00.002+08:00

i'm getting introverted. strange, but true. en loong, i no longer 90% E haha! aiyah but honestly, i seem to have got quieter. perhaps not so much in class, but rather outside my social circle. i remember being able to strike up conversations with random people and sustain it for quite some time, but nowadays i'm just too tired/lazy to do so.

yikes, i think it's the impact of being a J2 along with huangcheng and what not. life just flash across and there are just so little chance to make new friends as opposed to last time.

and in case any of you are wondering, i AM alright. there's nothing wrong in my life at the moment, so pardon the melancholy.

today during lit, i kinda gave up on the analysis of the dramatic unseen text. it's just so ??? and certainly super difficult in writing about it. then when i stopped writing, and ms heng went to run her errands, i turned over and read rui an's paragraphs. it was there and then that i realized he, along with joshua, is in another dimension. their writing and train of thought is unparalleled and almost perfect. it's scary. and A levels remind me of the 'bell curve' marking. i wonder whether i can improve and catch up with them. considering i got a high C for Mr Wong's essay, i think i'm doing alright. but i am a long, really long way from rui an's standard.

and that really is depressing.

2008-02-25T23:30:00.002+08:00

it is strange how some people can just be so ineffably alluring and attractive. and at times i wish i had more guts =| the above postcard alludes to that thing. haha!

that's all for tonight folks.

2008-02-24T22:09:00.002+08:00

sat's huangcheng debrief was almost worthy of being a drama itself. not going to say much, but simply one line. one line that lokky said. "因为这是他们的黄城。" it makes a whole load of difference whether you take ownership of being in the production. sad to say, i cant find the same drive for huangcheng as i did for other things. but then again, i can see the fire burning in each of the j2s. and perhaps it will be enough to inspire me to do much more.

it was also a tad surprising to receive a sms from suayu. but it was a firm testimony of his character. and in that itself, he deserved respect. truly, a great friend with an awesome personality. fight on in what you believe in.

all in all, emotions flowed. behind the huang cheng ye yun that all of you are going to watch in two more weeks, rests a drama in itself. maybe it's not too late for me to finally feel proud of being part of chinese drama.
--
on a side note, i've been quite lethargic when it comes to school and work. i dont know why i cant seem to find my bearing, the momentum that once guided me for the first month in school seemingly has faded away. sad, but true.

i hope in the next few days, i can break away from this inertia. i want to catch up with my friends too, and hopefully be there to support them whenever they need someone around.

on a very random digression, my heart goes out to eduardo and his ankle.

and i think i said something meaningful (for once) lol. when i told melvin i could read him, he replied "like a book." i said, "like a friend".

that's all for tonight folks. i think i need to get a camera to make my blog more 'exciting'. hah

2008-02-21T23:06:00.003+08:00

i think i'm having a growing short fuse with mum. i dont know why either, but i feel bad. i guess it takes a conscious effort to be more filial and less rebellious.

anyhow, got the most value-added essay award from madihah??? it's quite lame how 26 is regarded as a marked improvement. lol, it's nice to dream once in a while of getting the 35s that rui an gets all the time. on another hand, it's just 9 more marks. hahaha
but a step at a time! oh and mr wong said i did decent for his assignment. woooot, looks like i can look to lit with more optimism now. haha

my wireless is flickering on and off. gets quite irritating since i'm in between surfing the net and doing work. i wish huangcheng performance was earlier, than i wouldnt have an excuse to slack.

so, had lunch today with louis. it's nice to have these catch-up lunches now and then with the friends. the one that matter. and it's only with these people that you get to hear what others wouldnt tell you. it's in a good way i suppose. lol, and nice to see that louis and kim are still going strong. funny how they interact with each other, but endearing at the same time. and i realized how this sort of friendships will be sorely missed after my school life ends.

i dont know why my thoughts are so random and disjointed. i think i need to spend one of these days under a tree and just stoning, and perhaps, in a figurative manner of course, listening to myself. i dont know exactly what that constitutes though. i just need to sit down and calm myself. i'm not exactly in a state of tranquility like i (think) i used to be. in a sense, i think i'm losing myself. as for to what, i dont know either.

it's disorienting trying to read my 'stream of consciousness'. the clock is ticking as i consciously while away my time. methinks i'm feeling lethargic from schooling. (yet i'm amazed at how my classmates can treat school like a resort, coming for lessons as and when they want to lol! it's funny la, but i wonder how they are going to cope.)

good night. i need to bury my head in herland again.

2008-02-20T22:48:00.002+08:00

had my advance "yuan xiao" dinner tonight cos sis has to work late tomorrow. bro and sis brought over their other halves and we had quite a good time. btw cherry, the chocs are very nice. heh. and on a side note, mum has been repeatedly telling me bout how according to the Almanac, horses aren't suppose to start relationships in the year of the rat. She thinks i'm on the verge of getting attached when in truth, i am nowhere near such a situation. Strange how women tend to be over sensitive.

ms heng randomly parked herself infront of me during lunch. for a short while that is. i got a D for poetry comparison and it was amazing considering how i only analysed one poem and completely ignored the other. Ms Heng told me i could have done much much better but it was already a very good attempt. or had "lots of potential". This comment has appeared all over my GP essays as well. the strange thing is, i really dont know how to make the leap from potential to fulfilling it. sometimes, you just ought to idealise rui an for his sheer aptitude for english. Ms Heng says it feels as though i have to go through a lot to get my point across, aka my expression sucks, but actually this has always been my style of writing. Oh well, guess it's back to the library to read those dreary Literary Reviews. But in all honesty, i love literature lessons. On second thoughts, i like GP, Econs and China studies(to some extent too) hehe! okay maths... hmm i kinda like it more than i did. this is an accomplishment in itself.

so when mum just randomly told me she wants to see all my subject tutors soon to know how i am coping in school, i was initially scared and frightened. but then again, i don't think my STs have such a bad impression of me. i hope they praise me and mum will finally let me lead my life in peace. seriously, i'll breakdown someday from her insistent breathing down my neck.

anyhow, had a great chat with a few of my friends. realized i've been missing out on their presence alot, especially people like Louis, Sam, Jessica and Xianyun, whom i dont usually get to interact with. but i'm glad they are around. louis reveals loads of stuff that i didnt know, and it was interesting hearing all this chatter behind our backs haha! Sam, well, is perhaps one my best friends. Someone whom you dont need to talk to for a month, but everything feels so good when you finally get to chat with him. As for jessica, its truly amazing how we're such great buddies even after being in such un-related social circles and what not lol. and happy birthday xianyun. sam's girlfriend. HAHA okay i'm just talking nonsense. But En Loong and i agree they'll be great together for many many obvious reasons lolzzzzzzzz.

alright, off to finish up maths tutorial. as for what constitutes "finish up", haha...

2008-02-17T23:51:00.004+08:00

i'm a very simple person. my greatest enjoyment in life is to sleep. i'm single, with not many commitments, making my life completely void of fuss. and i dont know whether it's bad. but i do know i want a more exciting life. haha!

lol i like this postcard. that's how i am i guess.

2008-02-16T00:58:00.002+08:00

it's only a matter of choice.
being contented, that is.
as for being happy,
it's only a matter of feeling contented.

And the only opportunity cost of
making the wrong choice
Is that of the right choice.
This then is the central problem of
life itself--
the incapacity to make the right choice.
--
just a random wannabe-poem i crafted during econs lecture haha! but to me, it holds a certain degree of truth in it. that's all for tonight. looking onward.

2008-02-14T23:11:00.004+08:00

since it's valentine. here's just a random postcard. haha
well, not like i'm gonna do anything or what. this has no intended meaning at all so please, i repeat, please dont over-read into it ESPECIALLY sam wu shao zhong. haha. but valentine went well, made people smile, felt happy and good today. spent quite a bit in the presents and all, but its nice to see the reaction of these friends. i seldom give gifts on such occasions haha!

and some long overdue photographs. sis has the camera so i can only kope pictures from her blog. lol

that's me being squashed by my brother. pin's behind me and shen's the one in the darkest green. it's funny how our families all doll ourselves up in green haha. seriously, i thought it was hari raya when our three families came together. oh, apparently pin has rave reviews from his girlfriend's friend who bumped into them hahaha! he showed her blog to me and it was hillarious with "he was so dazzling, i didnt even dare to look into his eyes ... ..." and ended with a "huiling, i want your boyfriend" proclamation. lol cute cousins for the win!

that's my sister, suyen and sulyn. they, along with pin and shen, form the chua family. lol the phay family is conspicuously missing. but hey, my sister and everyone else looks darn good. lol hope sis puts up my photos! and she complained about me complaining about her on my blog hahah! sorry jie, sometimes, just sometimes, you can be a tad annoying hahaha!

i'm starting to regain my footing. you know, the always happy li long. somehow being happy guides me through my life. i've always believed in choosing to be happy. perhaps its because i believe you always have the choice between two sides of a coin. i always choose to be optimistic. so break out of this self-induced sorrow. its difficult, that i know. but we'll always be here for you.

2008-02-13T22:07:00.002+08:00

thanks densee kok, jian zhong, szu an, cherrylene and especially taxy for helping(or trying to). finally completed the proposal at like 3.30am, and without their help, i dont think it'd even be possible in the first place.

so, trudged through physio, and was so exhausted i kept falling asleep. hui sun, my physiotherapist, decided to not talk to me today so i can nap in between the massages/exercise/muscle stimulation. hah, but after i came back from dinner. i laid on the bed and drifted into dreamland within seconds. i find myself awoken now, not much more refreshed, and yearning for the bed. but let me first finish preparing the valentine day presents.

i realize that the effort i usually put into making valentine day special for that one person, has now translated into many people. friends are now at the receiving end of my affection haha! not that its bad, but i suppose it's great to re-affirm these friendships.

but sorry, in advance, if my vday notes sound incoherent cos i am really half awake.

2008-02-12T20:47:00.000+08:00

while everyone is partying at my place, i'm stuck here redoing my CSC proposal. thanks zhu lao shi, for saying my topic is good and after liang yong steps in, it gets rejected at the 11th hour.

seriously what the fuck.

and the moe deadline is in 11 fucking hours. zzz

9 hours and counting down.
the only silver lining in this cloud is the ever so helpful classmates. thanks so much denyse and jianzhong. forever grateful for your selfless help.
that's one of the four puppies venus gave birth too. a picture i chanced upon in my frenzied attempts to find a new csc topic. sigh.

7more hours, the clock is ticking down. zhu hai rong has officially fallen asleep. she hanged up on me + szu an like a lot of times before she finally answered the phone, only to offer a few lines of gibberish haha. so, after making out what she was trying to say (or rather trying my best to understand her), dictionary.com translated it into "Peasant family Le Duoda in the degree reflect the Chinese one profession plan tendency". please understand how screwed i am now. lol

2008-02-07T18:24:00.000+08:00

brother started the reunion dinner with simple words. "we dont thank god, but we thank you(mum)".

mum's cooking is good enough to start a restaurant. ah ma's cooking (mum's shifu) can in, hc lingo, own any 5* hotel's food. and i'm serious! anyhow, mum prepared one of the most elaborate and expensive dinner ever (all with her own hands). from the sharks' fin (which mum again somehow conjured up?) to cold crabs to buddha-jump-over-the-wall-like-dish and abalone, vegetable... haha i'm just glad mum's around, though at times admittedly, she's been mean to me and i to her too. its something we ought to change.

somehow, our dinner conversation digressed into getting drunk, yet again. mum was telling us how much she wants to get drunk, and we're laughing at my bro and his state of drunkeness (which meant talking crap) and who gets drunk the fastest(obviously me). my bottle of malibu is nearing the halfway mark, and i hope i dont drink so much haha. someday, just someday, i'll want to get so dead drunk (with the right company of course).

lol this morning, the usual lazing around on bed happened. but this time, sister was being an arse, like imagine someone trying to squeeze/snuggle in between my brother and i. then when she realized her job was to get us up, she proceeded to annoy us. lol sister's idea of "annoying" always revolve around giving us kisses and trying to hug us and what not. geez, and trust me, if u have your sister continually trying to plant kisses on ur cheeks, it can get quite annoying. haha

parked ourselves at ah ma's house the whole morning/afternoon and that was probably the only place we visited. going back there for dinner later. haha, i'll try to get some pics up if i can. it's funny to see how our entire extended family(3 families) is decked out in green cos of superstition. it's become hari raya literally. and its a sight to behold, what dad calls as the "frog family".

well, happy chinese new year everyone. its a nice break. finally some space to enjoy myself again and hangout/chill.

2008-02-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

i really like this new song as well.
enjoy i hope.

2008-02-04T22:02:00.000+08:00

hi all, i've never felt so du lan in my life before. pardon the coarse language used.

i hope the suey-ness ends with the start of the new lunar year. Anyhow, met enloong while buying my crepes(main character of this encounter) at Novena. so we went back to school together. it included taking the MRT train to newton(scene of the crime). so basically i was holding onto my crepes, contained nicely in its little white paper bag and i picked like the crisps of the crepe and slide it into my mouth. oh for the record, it was oh-so-good. yup and i did this like twice while getting off the train at newton. so enloong and i were chatting happily, and exiting the gantry. and halfway through the gantry, the station master/guard/bouncer/whatever stopped me. imagine being stuck like in international waters, not in or out the station, just in the middle. and of course the stupid gate couldnt close so it was beeping and everything la. and the guy decided to impound my card there and then. that was the first thing that irked me. he said, "do you know its wrong to eat in the MRT station?" and i was like "i'm holding on to it only cos i dont have a plastic bag". he then decided to spoil my day by going "but i saw you eating". so i said "sorry, i took a few bites". oh the next thing that amused me was him telling me "you should know better, with the newspapers publishing SO MANY ARTICLES on eating on MRT" and i was like ???, almost on the verge of bursting into laughter. and ya, from then on he decided to issue me a summon. my crepe cost $33.20 in total. lol. enloong was behind me cussing, and luckily he was quite discreet about it. if i wasnt in school uniform, i'd have probably wriggled my way out and been more aggressive. but as always, we've to think twice as "elite" students belonging to an "elite" school. pardon the sarcasm, but i think its always look better from the outside.

so, after grumpily spending my entire afternoon in huang cheng, i realised that most people get warnings first. but hey, i didnt even get a single one! and i think he's picking on me on purpose, and most likely i'll be having a smb post and perhaps a few demerit points for er, "subject caught eating while exiting the mrt station."(exact quote on the summon) told dad and he was like dont pay, let's go court. haha jokingly of course. mum was more of like, you should have told him you needed some sustenance, otherwise he'll be responsible if i faint etc etc. (yes that's where i learn to be shrewd from) thankfully, they're supportive of me, not just blaming me aimlessly. yes i do acknowledge i was at fault, but i tried to be discreet and as clean as possible(plucking the crisp and not gorging myself hungrily, which was my lunch at 5pm, last having ate at noon), so i felt the situation could be handled better. and i was in school uniform. that's pretty much why i decided to remain passive throughout the whole incident. maybe its just feeling so tired after physio and everything, i couldnt really be bothered to argue.

i kinda thought of my "sorry i failed you school" speech at morning assembly. but overall, i think if the issue really gets blown out of proportion, and to that extent, (my mum will be a very angry mum for one) and the whole incident will seem so farcical. so very farcical.

i suppose, Singapore is really a fine city. and today, i nearly almost turned racist. its not good to generalize anyway.大事化小，小事化无。

---
Just some random ALMANAC stuff my mum/aunts are so excited about. HORSES - like you and i, arent suppose to wear RED but instead GREEN (*chinese new year -> hari raya). Apparently, we're also in for a depressing year, and mum has been constantly reminding me to have a positive outlook and laugh everyday. gee, i think jianzhong and co will disagree. i think i laugh too much. lol. but that's the way i am.

not much mood now. kinda irritated and moody cos of the incident.

ps. thanks jerry, sorry if i sounded abit over-the-board.
pps. suayu, i honestly didnt know.

2008-02-03T00:53:00.000+08:00

hmm it's been what? 3-4 days since that short conversation with jerry only. but i havent found time to blog about it, yet if the fact that i still want to do so just says how much it is bugging me. anyhow, it's not about how much he owes me that irritates me, but rather how selfish a person he has become. not that i didnt know, but the extent of self-centred(ness) irks me to the point when i dont even feel like talking to him. zzz, its amazing how a simple reminder to return some money, which he had so fervently promised to do so(at the start that is), can degenerate into this rant about jerry hong. well, maybe i'm over reacting but seriously, his "i've more important things than to care about the money" kinda attitude just makes me so frustrated at him. yes, now i know what are friends of convenience. it's not the amount of money that u owe that makes me feel so F* up, but rather, that i-am-the-emo-king-of-the-world AND nothing-else-matters-but-me mantra to life. forget the money, there's just nothing else i want to do as a friend for you anymore.
--
just had to write about it. if not i'll just bottle it up and god knows what will happen. i guess that's what my blog's about, not for entertainment, but rather for me to just pen down my thoughts. i know its boring, but haha, its always fun reading my own archives to see what i've been through, and how i've grown (be it for the better or worst).

and jinhao said something that struck me so hard. i simply cant find the zest to be committed to huang cheng. its just that the sense of ownership eludes me, and everything seem so foreign. maybe i'm just like the others, always dwelling in the memory of high school council, where though there may be undercurrents here and there, but that's where i really felt at ease. and its really strange how i talk to suayu and even jijo so much more now than during HSC. anyhow, even for soccer, i dont really feel so attached. of course it's due to the inability to train with them and compete together. actually, i think the idealised notion of brotherhood was cultivated in SJI, where we were really ah bungs. sigh. at least today the 1-0 win over nj was well worth the time i spent away from lian3 pai3.

wanted to get some cheese brownies and oreo cheesecake and what not at this bakery near thomsom road. seriously, its super nice. its a pity that it's closed tomorrow. i guess i'll ask mel and pin out to go shopping, resuming the cousin outing tradition.

recently, i dont think i've been very happy. but then again, i need to be mr brightside.

2008-01-30T21:24:00.000+08:00

lol finally got the $500 we won at some random SL competition last year. advance ang bao man. i've decided to be nicer to people around me and with the newly received prize money, it means a long list of gifts for people like my godparents to my ahma, and to mel(my cousin whose birthday happen to be today and i didnt remember =/ ) oh and my angel and mortals. and i also realized that i no longer want to lend people money cos chasing it back is so tiring, and its something i hate doing. and just like in the US, i'm experiencing many bad debts that are unrecoverable due to a multitude of reasons.

life's been okay, except the 2am nights. been really tired all week with this silly CSC proposal. i really dont have anything to blog about now cos i cant think straight. hopefully i can come up with something later.

ah and zhu hai rong lao shi... just edited my entire proposal for me. i dont know whether i should feel glad or upset. it's bittersweet having to know that she had to do it without at least helping me try, and yet grateful that i dont have to have a 2am night today. i sure can do with the extra rest. i hope i dont waste the next year sleeping in CSC tutorials like i've been doing. somehow i cant write notes when i try to listen during CSC, since anything in chinese, requires nothing less than my full undivided attention haha.

2008-01-28T00:36:00.001+08:00

a really random photo of me at the class bench. apparently SOMEONE was testing her camera - - haha!

shall keep this post short, it's late now and i'm dead f* tired from doing CSC proposal. but the past day of reading/ploughing through Chinese articles finally came to fruition and i nevertheless, feel proud of myself. at least, it's done(well not quite).

writing angel-mortal letters become all the more intriguing, right sam? its a secret. and it'll die away with valentine day. how ironic.

i like how the song on my blog goes.
the stars they seem,
to paint the most elaborate scene today.

the beauty of the lyrics, is well complemented by the piano. my favourite band at the moment.
good night all.

2008-01-24T23:37:00.000+08:00

i think the song playing now is absolutely alluring. just felt drawn to it.

i'm glad for mel. 10 points isnt too bad, tho it's nothing fantastic either. i know she's disappointed, but there's nothing much i can do to help her except hook her up with chengyi to learn more bout IB! haha. she's changed so much (for the better) and will certainly remain my favourite cousin.

i did something silly today. in truth, i dont even know why i wrote it. perhaps there's just this want deep down inside, but i know it's not the time.

anyhow, i've been feeling upbeat bout school recently. it's an amazing feeling to complete tutorials beforehand. lol okay perhaps it's the norm for everyone else in this school, but it's the first time i consistently did work on time. and for the first time (in my memory), got more than a U for a math lecture test. yes it was considered easy and all, but hey! it's been a while since i felt accomplished so give me some credit for it.

i hope i can keep going.

When the lights first came upon us,
and we saw The Everglow.
and the moment's magic swept us away.
and the young mans dream was almost seen so plain.

2008-01-23T00:05:00.000+08:00

C.S Lewis, the creator of Narnia, said something i found really true. "Friendship is unnecessary, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

pardon the random quote. was just trying very hard to complete this journal (of the scotland trip) and i kinda had to fluff my way through with random 'notions' and blabbering. In either case, i believe Ms Clare is gonna send me to CS haha. At least then, i can graduate from HC having experienced CS. i dont really make sense cos i'm tired. very tired.

anyhow, these few days in huang cheng has made me feel really lazy. sorry suayu, but lol, doing woodwork all day doesnt exactly sustain my interest for long. i need human-to-human interaction haha! and i finally realized why even with throngs of people in dao ju, everyone still has to work till 8-9pm to complete the props. I'm starting to feel guilty for leaving at 7 everyday. perhaps i lack a sense of ownership in huang cheng ye yun having only joined this year. and these group activities never fail to remind me of my times in High School Council. Anyhow, huang cheng is like a mini colony in HC, it's amazing how so many people can work towards a common goal. and i'm starting to respect everyone dedicated to hcyy.

i can't think straight. in this nonchalent mood.

2008-01-21T00:01:00.000+08:00

my mum really likes the present i bought for cherrylene. she's taken the personal job of washing and sprucing up the "thing" and found a nice bag for it's temporary shelter before it arrives in cherrylene's hands. i think i'm going to get a similar present for mum on mother's day. it's rare to see her so happy. she talks to it and plays with it just like she used to do with venus. i can sense that mum wants something of a companion like it. i know she misses venus, perhaps even more than anyone of us at home. i don't know why i'm talking about my dead dog. it's just that she's become such a part of my family.

happy birthday psuedo. have fun with your present.

2008-01-20T15:11:00.000+08:00

there have been so much going on in my life recently i've barely had the time and space to breathe. but if there's one thing for sure, i'm thankful for all the people around me.

anyhow, as the harsh reality starts to set in, i'm (hopefully) gaining enough momentum to sustain me through this fiendish academic year. mum's been piling up all the pressure on me that it's beginning to bear down on me. and i'm not sure how long i can last, but i guess i'll just have to keep going. it's funny when madam yeo said i seemingly became more hardworking after i injured my leg. okay, at least i get my tutorials done beforehand, something that would never have occurred last year. (even completing tutorials was considered sacrosanct then, truly a rarity.) well but these are things mum will never find out, or rather, i dont bother to let her know cos it'll simply be a pat in the back and more "keep it up!", "continue working harder!" stuff, which i already have heard trilions of times. and it's strange too how i start to enjoy tuition, maths tuition as a matter of fact. am i really evolving into the awe-inspiring mugging machine mum wants me to become!? well, at least i know i'm still the jovial, nothing-gets-me-down person that somehow, protects me from all these senseless pursuits of superficial "success" (and of course the pressure of doing so.) at the end of the day, as my mortal and i agreed, it's just the pragmatic way of life that entraps us. is there really no way out?
--
sulyn's wedding. it made realize how far we've come in life, together, the three families that is. those genting trips that seemed so yesterday, the running underneath wedding tables, going through all those caning from our parents, protecting one another, cycling together, plucking/stealing rambutans from our neighbourhood (and running away from the screaming aunties when they see us), playing football in the park, the weekend dinners at ah ma's place... the list just goes on and on and on. the Lee, Phay and Chua family have grown up together, all twenty of us. And yesterday, i am sure of all us have realized in one way or another, how much we've been through together as an extended family.
it's quite interesting how we cousins, become sure good friends. like now, there are three "generations" with my elder sister and the chua elder sisters(Sulyn and Suyen) are now the working generation, and are so close; my brother, shen and val, who are entering university after NS. bro and shen are almost brothers, having attended the same JC, going for all the mambo sessions and what not. val, somehow completes the jigsaw; and now, Pin, mel and i are keeping up the tradition, going out together, and just simply fostering this "cousinhood". as for nana and nicky, haha i guess they'll tag along with us after they are older. well my uncle is also the hip uncle who brings our (pin and i) brothers to drinking sessions and mambo!?!? and now, apparently we're gonna get our own baptism of fire (when we are 18) just like our brothers did. it's a well-guarded secret that neither pin and i knows what it is. the uncle says it'll corrupt and open our eyes. lol i presume that means booze and er, the nightlife? but of course, it's all innocent fun.
it doesnt help that i've successfully persuaded dad to buy malibu from the airport. i've been drinking a cup here and there, thank god i'm nowhere near drunk. last night at the wedding, i was slightly tipsy from the 8 odd glasses of wine, hmm i dont even know how many glasses i drank to be honest. but it was the first time we were the last to leave the dinner. unlike those, random auntie's-niece/nephew-random friend-not so close distant relative-dad's colleague's weddings where we'll leave just when the dessert is over, so would the rest of the crowd. it's so different when it's someone close getting married. well, perryn's a nice guy, and i'm sure they'll be happy together.
and the wedding opened my eyes to how crazy our family is. the extended one i mean. we're always the ones making the most noise, doing the longest yum sengs, having the most fun as compared to the other tables that just maintains a dignified presence. our no-holds-barred celebrations include the uncle randomly calling out for toasts, and the cousins dancing to songs etc. it's fun, it really is.
best wishes to the newly wedded couple. i'm already looking forward to the next wedding. (suyen's boyfriend drives a porsche boxster, and that's not all, he has a mercedes SLR as well. hoho)
-
anyhow, sorry cherrylene! couldnt be at your party cos of the wedding. but i think you'll love the gift (that i'll pass to you on monday since u're sick today.) i hope you had a blast, sweet eighteen and taaaake care.
you also got me started thinking about the what ifs. like what you are going through now. for me, nothing will help, but i'll react as would how i know the person wants me to. i'd rather let him/her go with a smile aye.
-
at the wedding, joycelin (pin's cousin) was like, "i saw you two together before outside blah blah" haha and ya it made me realize something.
i've a confession to make, not that it matters anymore. but there's a need to finally put the full stop to that relationship. i lied to myself for too long that you loved me through the entire two years, it certainly wasn't the case. in a way, i'm glad it's over. at least it's fairer this way. and as cherrylene told me before, he treats you well. to me, that's all that matters. right now, i'm moving on. i know it took some time, but that's me.

i'm just relieved. i dont love you like i did yesterday. not anymore.

2008-01-13T11:48:00.001+08:00

i almost broke into sobs. it's strange and comforting at the same time knowing that someone else in the world have experience what i have. there is more than one of those postcards on the video that parallel what i've gone through, and not all of which is pleasant.

it's time i face up to myself.

2008-01-09T00:45:00.000+08:00

how true.

2008-01-06T22:21:00.000+08:00

li long______ ' it's like, not the best time of the year. says:
20guys 4 girls
li long______ ' it's like, not the best time of the year. says:
so strange
11SLC [Wth.. all the way to 08S6V... engineers so fun to be meh... -.-] says:
u can't be horny anymore =(
li long______ ' it's like, not the best time of the year. says:
HAHAHA

i'm sorry sua, i just had to post this cos it was LOL LOL.

2008-01-06T21:34:00.000+08:00

there's this eerie aura of familiarity when lessons begin. the same old, silent, gigglish class atmosphere that bores me. i think that's the only reason why i'm such a distraction in class just cos i cannot stand it anymore. and all the holiday homework comes knocking on the door, there's no running away from it. it's like kharma. so this year, i decided that i'm going to psyche myself into the machine mum wants me to be. mugging machine that is. and just today, mum's laid down this Saturday-you-can-do-anything-you-want-day but other than that, it's studies. oh boy, i didnt even bother to protest.

and so i'm talking to my sji junior who's enjoying himself in orientation. and he got yijing for ogl. what bliss. haha. brings back memories of how i whiled away my time last year. but heck, it was fun. well maybe not when i got back my grades. so i've so much to catch up this year. it's an unrelenting environment that i'm in. and honestly, i'm starting to feel the heat.

i need to refocus.

2007-12-27T23:14:00.000+08:00

i actually cant stop watching love actually. its just those rare movies that really strike me. and i'm kinda amazed by how seemingly different and irrelevant stories can be inter-related and form this wondrous symphony. just like in the Seven Types of Ambiguity(book xinyi gave me) as well as Closer. oh well, really enjoy the show. and the uncut version is way nicer. cos the porn couple actually happens to be my favourite couple in the show hahaha!

anyhow, i've been having so much time for myself i cant stop thinking. you know, reflecting of sorts. but somethings cant be put down onto paper. and just deep down, i know i could have taken a different path. the thing is, it's still not too late.
things will be better. ah and i even got an organizer for the new year in my desperate bid to become a better person. and i think the organizer is a great start lol though it's still empty at the moment. and since it's christmas, i'll just be honest for once and say that i'm not proud of being so wasted everyday. and i'm not exactly at my happiest now. i think that sets the undertone of my xmas. i just havent really found something to feed my soul. to keep me happy.

and if i were to rate my blog posts. i'll certainly give it a 1/10.
(the rowan atkinson scene is showing now and it never fails to make me go lol!)

anyway, this few days mum has been overtly pissed with me. well especially whenever i show remote signs of going on WOW. and she's tried (i'd say semi-success) to convince me of what a failure i am. okay maybe not so much of a failure since somehow i still made it to the (elitist) school. but more of my want/determination to be an under-achiever all my life. and there's this little streak in me that really wants to enjoy my university days somewhere out there in Europe instead of an Ivy League (or worst still... local U) and Clare Tan was right. if i do go to an over-achiever school, i need to put in over-achieving efforts which i dont really think is my cup of tea lol. as a matter of fact, i'm not sure how i made it to HC. its amazing how i survived in SJI and HCI if you actually take note of how slack i was. sighh. now that's one new year resolution.

oh well, its time to log. just a little rant now and then. merry xmas!

2007-12-18T14:37:00.000+08:00

this is easily the worst period of my life. i feel like shit. the leg's doing fine but what killed (and is still killing me) is the constant headache and fatigue, repercussions of the high fever a few days back. now the high fever wasnt just any other bout of fever. it raged between 39 to 40 degrees, never relenting(and never going below 39) for two whole f* days. my brain was getting fried literally. and all i remember of those two days were drinking a cocktail of chinese remedies, downing loads of pills (until i cant actually taste my food) and having such bad headache all i wanted to do is to sleep.

thank god the fever is gone. but the headache seems to cling on to me like a bad lover. as i speak, i can barely open my eyes though i've been asleep probably about 90% of the time. i want to start studying, but i am not feeling well.

the rain's so melancholic and all. i guess i need to get better at a faster rate. otherwise i'll not make it. oh boy, hope i've enough time to catch up with school work.

happy holidays all. (except me i guess)

2007-12-13T17:44:00.000+08:00

Dashboard Confessional - Stolen

this is the song that i enjoy tremendously but i cant emb it to my blog so here it is. sorry for the low quality though.

anyway today was my first physio session, had a pleasant surprise when i bumped into sam(liza and his mum as well). it's amazing how coincident it was but definitely made my day having a brief talk with sam. and my first physio was pretty much bland. like massages, electrodes and exercises. but i just hope i can do it. and looks like i'm all set to miss the first two weeks of school. well that will leave me way way way behind. and this sets the tone for j2. i just hope i can pick myself up and start studying soon.

whatever it is, feeling so much better(leg i mean). but i dont know how fast i can recovery. still, i brave the world with optimism.

last night was strange. i was surfing the net at 1am, and talking to blair(from scotland). aye, it was quite enjoyable catching up and all. sometimes you know that there's a life beyond studying. i think i skipped the studying stage and jumped to that point. that explains my mediocricity. sigh. anyhow gotta run. cya all.

2007-12-09T18:02:00.000+08:00

i'm perplexed. mum just gave me an hour long sermon on relationships and i'm having ??? all over my head. then she went on to give an in depth analysis of all my siblings' relationships. ah and i sensed it coming. she wanted me to talk about xinyi hahaha! she's still as curious as ever, but i guess i am obliged to give an explanation, but i gave a one-liner, that pretty much summarized it all.
the most funny thing is how she started telling me about her ideal daughter-in-law (and son-in-law of course) and it made me go ??? even more. like why tell me now! den she also decided to give a tutorial on "what woman wants in a relationship". imagine how bemused i was. okay but i think the fact that i'm not dating cherrylene finally sunk into her head.

let's talk about cherrylene now that she's going cambodia and i doubt she'll drop by here before she flies off. well cherrylene is a great girl, and i'm kinda guilty of being very, very mean to her. but somehow, i just cant see myself dating her. and i'm sorry i tried overly hard to make you seem !@#! in front of my mum haha i think the number 369 was just way too tempting not to make a dig at it. (inside joke). but thanks loads psuedo, for being such a great friend, especially this few weeks.

anyway, i'm recovering fast. well that's in my opinion of course. i've stopped my painkillers after the 3rd day, and i think that in itself is an achievement. to be honest, it has been nothing short of a trying time. imagine suddenly losing the ability to move about, to even do basic chores like cleaning myself and the list goes on and on. but mum's been the best caregiver, and i intend to treat her to a great meal. i've even found the place already. check out http://www.indulgz.com/index.htm and i'm even considering taking cherrylene along if somehow she returns the money hahaha! psuedo, ur soon to be birthday gift cost a significant amount okay... but yeap, just wanted to give thanks in a more pragmatic way.

i'm scheduled for my first physiotherapy next thursday. i think the swelling will probably subside by then. and i'll be feeling even more comfortable. simply put, i hope to be able to walk within the next few weeks with the minimal help of crutches. i'll give myself the following friday to accomplish this. but i highly doubt its possible. oh well, i'm upbeat about recovering in time for christmas where (to cherrylene's disdain) i intend to get drunk or (die) trying with my cousins. damn scottish parties really got me bullish about how i'm going to spend my time after i turn 18. haha.

well thank you all for visiting or for the words of encouragement, or simply for asking. would take the chance to also tell my class that i adore them absolutely. i'm just glad that i'm in a class where politicking is kept to the minimal, and pretense isn't a way of life (unlike.... those "elites") but i guss there's a price to pay for having an "advantage" over others. haha sorry, i just had to take a dig at you-know-what again. lol.

cheerios, and have fun this holiday.

2007-12-05T09:31:00.000+08:00

aye, it's pretty boring being unable to move around. well the past two days have been nothing short of trying, and i honestly dont know how long i can put up with this nonsense haha.

so monday started with me being warded at bout 3. waiting for the operation wasnt scary, well my heartbeat was 62 only so i think i did pretty okay on that haha. but it gets scary when they wheel you into the operating theatre. aye my heart jumped to 85 i think, but generally i was still doing okay. not exactly super scared, more of worried and wondering what it'll be like after that. anyhow my anaesthetist was being lame. he was talking about another nurse bust line!??!? and the nurse kept shushing him, reminding him of my presence. but obviously he enjoyed teasing her, dragging me into the foray and announcing that i'm of age, and more than interested to know her vital stats as well!? and before i konked out, he said something along the lines, okay think of her bust and go to bed. i was nothing short of amused.

the next time i gained consciousness was an hour and a half later. i was trying my best to open my eyes but the muscle relaxant and anaesthetic hasnt exactly worn off. i was so drowsy i could barely feel anything. in between the people visiting me at the hospital (still in a semi unconscious state), i could make out my mum fussing over my swollen eyes. other than that i dosed back off into oblivion. i think i awoke about 10 or so. pin(my cousin) was the only one there. he insisted on spending the night with me at the hospital, which i am more than grateful for. yup so i enjoyed his company in between dosing on and off.

at that time, the pain was still pretty bearable. aye but it's nigging pain and that sucked. it meant i wasnt given any respite even if lie completely still. haha and needless to say, walking (on the crutches) was beyond bearable lol. it felt as though every ounce of blood is gushing down into my operated leg and felt like it was going to explode. aye, i'd say visiting the toilet is the most frustrating thing on earth at the moment. but i'll get better, i hope.

mum's been the guardian angel. pretty much around me all the time whenever i need help. aye, i'm grateful for her support. bro sleeps in the storeroom with me as well and that helps. yday the pain was quite bad so i popped panadol (which obviously does not work) and i looked forward to this morning dose of pain killer. aye i sound so drugged out.

oh and thanks for visiting me yday class. it helped loads to have company. thanks for all the well wishes. i'll survive. the pain's fading (or could simply be the pain killer) yup so my next few days will be spent on the wheelchair and crutches i suppose. no inspiration to start studying, at least not in this condition.

on a side note, i'll change my blog song soon. stay tuned! heh

2007-12-02T20:09:00.000+08:00

somehow i cant access certain sites on my desktop. aye but here i am. (on another laptop obviously)

anyhow to summarise the scottish trip in a few words.
enlightening
eye-opening
simply put, it just took my breath away. the people, the sights and everything else(including the parties) and i look forward to them coming over. sorry there aint no photos here. you can access them at photobucket (just pop me a sms and i'll give you access to it) or there are certain photos on my friendster as well.

tomorrow's operation day. kinda worried to say the least. my bro tells me the end of the morphine effect will spell the start of a tearful reminder of mortality. (basically... ouch) hah apparently my bro's friend was in tears for sometime until the pain finally subsided. lol thanks for all the well wishes. i'll be up and kicking in abit (hopefully). oh and the last soccer training felt weird as well. but it's nice to know that they are kicking asses now. hopefully i'll be able to watch their friendlies and nationals beyond june. i've a good feeling they'll do hc proud this season. all the best peeps.

and earlier christmas wishes from here as well. i'll cya all soon (i think). tc meanwhile.

2007-11-16T19:11:00.000+08:00

tonight i'll be flying off to scotland. it's the last ten days of being mobile so i'm gonna take the chance to really relax and enjoy myself. and as for the pending operation, i just hope it'll go well. at my last soccer training just now, i realized one thing. i really love the game. i can take the pain of the operation, but definitely not the pain of not being able to play again.

till then, take care everyone. this time i'm bringing a camera. and hopefully a hot scottish girlfriend lol. (nah just kidding) hahah

2007-11-10T00:38:00.000+08:00

it suddenly occured to me that my holidays will get burnt away by the surgery. the entire december holiday will be spent at home, where my mum literally wants to put me in a protective bubble. currently, i'm treated like a toddler, where each step i take is followed by a chorus of "walk carefully" and such, you get the idea. i know they mean well, but i'm grown up enough to be careful.

anyhow, this entry is just a shoutout to all my friends out there, who are as busy as a bee, to ask me out while i still can walk (without crutches). after i come back from scotland, i'll really begin this holiday in confinement. oh, mum also intends to make me sleep in the stall room so i dont have to climb up and down. haha, i'm heading to ikea to decorate my "new" room. and there's an eerie pattern to everyone who inhabits in that particular room. mum calls it the "therapy" room. my ah gong lived there. my aunt who was recovering from cancer lived there. and now, i'm going to stay there. mum says she's got to do something about the fengshui after i move out of that room.

these days are increasingly boring and frustrating. i spend my days at home. typically, it means sitting at the computer playing WOW all day. friends are busy with huang cheng, soccer or what not. i've nothing much to do, or accomplish. but i just want to spend these last few days moving around as much as i can. december's going to be a hella a long month for me. please come visit me otherwise the dvds will be my only companion.

anyhow, it's strange when my bro talks to me about my results. in fact, it's the first time he did. i guess mum's been really upset and disappointed with me. well, afterall i'm 25% in school. and honestly, wtf happened to me. next year, it's gonna be a whole new ball game. and i'm going to play it well.

lastly, it's times like that when i feel like i need a special someone. well, it's always nice to have company around. haha, but hey! i can get used to some quiet too. happy 8th month anniversary brother lol.

2007-11-08T00:49:00.000+08:00

so i just met up with Dr Brian Lee whom has been my private doctor since young. ah if you dont already know, i broke my right leg while i was er one year old. okay technically speaking, i didnt break my own leg. somehow my maid fell and sat on it. anyway, the result of a lousy screwed up hongkong doctor is a 1.5cm +- difference in my left/right leg.

but to cut the long story short, dr brian lee persuaded my mum that it is imperative to operate on it asap. so i'm going under the knife when i'm back from scotland. lol the following day actually. my mum said the jet lag + anaethesia(i dont know how to spell this word for so damn long already and will continue to do so cos i'm lazy) will make me comatose for life. haha at least she's taking this issue with a heightened level of optimism.

actually, this post is just an attempt to assuage my guilt. since young i've always have been this unlucky with injuries here and there. my medical bill is probably twice that of sis and bro's combined. and dr brian lee is a private doctor. his fees are somewhat, on the high side. but my uncle's good friends with him and hence, the importance of networking in the world today. anyhow dingjie, the imbecile, has resulted in a $15 000(which my uncle will try to bring down) and mounting bill to fix my knee. that's the price of having a private doctor, but a much better and credible one to do my knee for the matter. it's quadruple that of the subsidised NUH one. but then again, the NUH one will ensure that my knee will get man-handled by doctors-in-training. to add to this bill is the physiotherapy fees. he'll be sending me to the ex-Chief physio of our SEA games team. i cant imagine how much she'll command in fees.

sigh. see why i'm feeling guilty now? even when i go out(which has been only like once since the holiday started, that being the chalet) i dont dare to ask for any money. so basically i've been spending out of my pocket alot. thank god the past year have been fruitful with the money coming in from the business competitions lol. but at this rate, i'll never be able to deposit any money and constantly withdrawing (esp to pay for someone's -coughs- shoppings bills) whatever it is, i feel obliged to study very hard as a way to pay back my parents. and of course treat them better. mum's been eye-ing that makeup set for some time.

in short, this episode has made me come to realization that i've yet to grow up. immature and hot-headed i still am. stubborn as well. and amongst many other things, i'll have to slowly overcome. as ghandi says, be the change you want to see (in the world). and the first step to self-improvement lies in recognizing what there is to change. i can do it.

ps. just a little disgressing. suayu's retarded. he wanted to play cards while prawning lol. and ask why prawning is on the emo side. hahah mel, we do indeed need to bring him to open his eyes hahahah. but after which we decided, okay movie's the best. damn i miss that show that suayu made us watch(without any of us having a say in what to watch) Death at a Funeral. which was indeed insanely hillarious.

goodnight my friends.

2007-11-04T23:12:00.001+08:00

oh and sis just brough back cheesecake mel made for me. damn i love my cousin(s). cant wait for Os to be over, and we'll be partying before my scotland trip. pin also just gave me call and i feel better already. probably will be playing pool with him on tuesday. well but he'll kick my butt. and ah ma gave me bird nest haha.

the thing about carrying an injury is that people treat you like a sealed box with fragile written all over it. it's something that annoys me yet makes me feel thankful for at the same time. but thank you all for asking.

2007-11-04T22:22:00.000+08:00

烦烦烦 that's what i'm feeling now simply. anyway after prowling the internet all day(for the past few days) reading up on anthroscopy, and reconstructing the knee to watching the entire one hour surgery on google video, i'm pretty much a doctor in this aspect. honestly, i think you can put me in the surgery room and i can do the surgery. that's how much i've been reading up on. so i certainly will go for the surgery, but the problem now is when.

talk after pre-As stress. mum has already piled up the pressure of doing well for As on me. she doesnt actually realize it as a matter of fact. she doesnt want me to spend the next 6months focused on rehab and physio resulting in a negligence in studying for As. but i dont think mum really knows how i'm feeling right now.

i'm not one to sit around. and if you know me as a friend, you'd know how much training to play for the school team next year means to me. soccer, itself, is a form of release to me. i've never been exceptional at sports, be it canoeing or soccer, but i dare say i train doubly as hard. yet now, i'm denied of any form of physical activity. it's torturous, and depressing to say the least. mum doesnt know it. i'd do anything to get back to what i love to do as soon as possible. and mum just want me to focus on my studies. but does she know that i'll be so frustrated at being so inactive that i'll not be able to enjoy my days in school? seeing people run, jump, have fun and i'll be sitting there like a stone. no way, sorry mum but no way. at least i'll have something to look forward to after my surgery. like the mini steps i can take, the increasing degree of extension i can make with my knee. the light weights that i can take and so on. sigh but mum, doesnt know. ironically mum allows me to indulge in computer games all day in hope of me not going out to aggravate my knee. silly things we do.

sometimes i wish my mother will secretly read my blog. i'm just so tired of arguing with someone so fixated with her extremist-like opinions that she fails to take in anything. someone tell my mum this url please.

2007-11-03T17:56:00.000+08:00

the last thing i want to do is to make this entire episode seem like a soap opera. but i've been sleeping it off, trust me, it doesnt work one bit. thanks for all those who care.

let me just have some peace and quiet at the moment. and perhaps i can make a decision. it just feels like a never-ending free fall now.

2007-11-02T23:08:00.000+08:00

so apparently my parents have been persuaded by my chinese physio to go without surgery. strange how the thought of living without the ligament seem so surreal. but i guess its a one year gamble. so in this entire next year, i'm relegated to being a tofu. no running, no jumping, nothing physical at all. soccer? oh that's a fucking dream too.

in the next week, ultimately i get to decide whether i want to go for surgery. well it costs three fucking thousand (and that's with trainees working on my knee, 9000 for the doctor to do it privately) zzz. guess i just let parents decide, i'm too tired, too upset to think about anything now. and i wonder what the fuck will i do when i see dingjie for the next 10 days in scotland. fuck you.

2007-11-02T18:29:00.000+08:00

jus when everything seems to be getting better, the whole fucking world comes crashing down again. so i do indeed suffer from a completely torn anterior cruciate ligament (which will never be able to regenerate on its on), which means surgery and 6months of physiotherapy. oh fucking thank you dingjie.

2007-11-01T21:28:00.000+08:00

council chalet was a great time to hang out and catch up. i think these are the bunch of people whom will be there whenever and wherever. melvin hahah, my primary school best friend, and now still one of those friends you can sit down and have an endless conversation with. i spent a tad too much money on the chalet though, due to many oversights on my behalf. oh well, i realised that being single means i've been splurging so much (unneccesarily) on myself. those random treats to friends and all means i end up, still not saving. oh well, but finally my accounts are settled, and it's time to start working up the dollars.

hahah and i came across this photo as i surfed sua's photobucket. pictures immortalize emotions. those were the sweet times and surely wont be forgotten.perhaps next year, we'd still have this get-together chalets and tho i'm sure there'll be less people turning up for it by then, but those who do, will always turn up no matter what. it takes two hands to clap. friendships need to be maintained.

ah i've lost my want to blog. OP's tomorrow and it doesnt sound remotely intimidating. wonder why everyone else is stressing out so much over it.

"The further away you walk from your problems, the longer the walk back is to fixing them."
now let's all come to terms with the problems we face and stop running away from them. instead of waiting for the storm to pass, why not learn to dance in the rain?

ps.happy birthday jess

2007-10-28T01:06:00.000+08:00

haha apparently my post on the class blog had a myriad of unexpected responses. incited laughter too lol. anyway, i meant what i say, and i think i hold quite a substantial amount of responsibility for my class's dismal results. but the years over, time to move on and get stronger.

wasted so much time tonight. sorry but i think scream was on the... not so entertaining side. luckily i didnt invite my friends to come if not it'd be quite embarrassing haha. to sum it up, "the only persons screaming were the councilors". lol, and poor mel, he had to wait from 7.30 to 11pm before he could enjoy his 5minutes of cheap thrill hehe. okay, guess its kinda unfair to criticize since i dont exactly have the capacity to do so! haha.

and i kinda misplanned the council(high school) chalet as well. feel bad for firstly, not booking NSRCC chalet as promised and secondly, over-booking chalets. if mel can save us, it'd be great. so whoever wants Costa Sands Chalet(Pasir Ris) from this monday to wednesday (3d2n) please sms me! it's going at $120 nett (it's a further $30 dollar discount in addition to the NTUC discount)

---
with response to the tags
cherrylene: laughter is like my pillar of strength
edlyn: i think your bro dao-ed me, damn i'd have taught him a skill or two hahah.
soony: yea yea, i'm like still figuring how you spent it all. (multiple interpretation intended lol)
denyse: you jiayou too yea, cya on monday! haha and ps, i dont want to be the psuedo leader.
---
and the song is, beyond words right lol. it's more than an addiction to me already.

2007-10-26T01:49:00.001+08:00

li long______ ' saintly presence says:
okay time to sleep
li long______ ' saintly presence says:
4 hours a night
li long______ ' saintly presence says:
takes a toll on me
li long______ ' saintly presence says:
even if i'm super man
(in-between girl hanging around the ceiling half the time) says:
but if you're superman you'd be doing something fulfilling...
(in-between girl hanging around the ceiling half the time) says:
like stripping in a telephone booth every night
.
.
.
(in-between girl hanging around the ceiling half the time) says:
boy is temporary, cash is forever!
(in-between girl hanging around the ceiling half the time) says:
until i spend it

edlyn is freaking hillarious man. i sure will miss those times we spend at the class bench doing stupid stuff (which mainly involves the eyes) lol!
---
on another note, hold strong BROTHER! damn i'm excluded from sibling inside talks. sucks man, but whatever it is, go bro, tracy owns. so fight hard for her! (sis will be the general while i... hmm... will beat the war drums for ya, always)

2007-10-25T01:47:00.000+08:00

mum issued a total ban on all computer activities next year just cos i was on WOW for an hour or two. gee aint it post-examinations already? sure doesnt feel like it.
to add to this, i doubt i'll be able to train anytime soon. and mum issues, yet another total ban, on all footballing activities. i dont actually think all these bans have any effect on me. the moment i feel ready to go, i'll be strapping up my boots and relishing the training sessions that i miss so badly.
now, what else could add to the days horror already? imagine receiving an sms by your CT telling you to attend a downgrading briefing tomorrow. wow, when it rains it pours.

on a side note, i finally managed to stream the song that has driven me nuts these few days. i cant remember ever being so infatuated with a song before. and i realised that i've been succumbing to so many cheap thrills aka filament and anonymously yours (inside joke). it makes me feel guilty somehow. but i dont really care anymore, i aint gonna do anything silly.

right now, i cant fall asleep knowing that the road ahead seems so bleak. and no i'm not emo, i'm just upset. right now, i just want to recover instantly and jump into my football gear. right now, i dont have the strength to think, to believe, to have faith in anything, or anyone as a matter of fact.

ahh, how to save a life by the fray runs in the background right this moment. aptly put, someone please save mine.

cherrylene says i laugh too easily. i say, if i dont laugh so easily, i'll probably end up lying in some dumpster, drunk, depressed and everything else. laughter truly is the best medicine for anything. but beneath this superficial layer of a happy me, lies a vulnerable, upset soul. all it takes is a small knock to break this delicate facade that i so precariously bunker-ed myself in. dont worry, i'll be fine i guess. it always ends that way.

but the wounds arent fully healed. they tend to open, and like old injuries, scars me for life.

a rude awakening indeed.

2007-10-24T02:26:00.000+08:00

slept 5 hours in the afternoon, how in the world am i suppose to fall asleep now!? havent even yawned. and i realized that people look to me like i am a commercial. now bear with me while i explain. i'm like the half-time entertainer, the one you talk to in between waiting for say, your eye candy to talk to you, or while doing PW. you know, the random person you turn to for laughs hahah. okay it aint such a bad thing actually. now i just need to find my own entertainer. i usually self-entertain, and its a BAD thing!

2007-10-24T01:53:00.000+08:00

psuedos suck. cherrylene's a lousy psuedo btw.

on the more serious note, i think i've an arrogant swagger or aura, whatever you call it, around me. i dont know why but i keep feeling like there's something that i need to change in myself. but maybe that's what makes lilong, the snobbish, thick-skinned skum he really is haha. but in all honesty, dull my edge of pride and sharpen my edge of humility. i remember reciting this all day in sji, it was somewhere in some prayer i think.

preparing for OP is fun. okay maybe it's just me. but i do enjoy presenting to some extent although i get criticized and laughed at all the time for my skewed pronounciation and unnatural accent(which just comes about, pardon me, but yes naturally) dont ask me why but i just change when i present. its funny coming up with ideas to start the OP and more hillarious considering the many inside jokes that we have during our PW discussions.
but excelling alone is one thing, excelling is a group is the challenge. i enjoy leading in the sense that i like to bring people forward together. like including everyone in the advancement of the juggernaut that we all belong too (if you get what i mean) and i hope that we'll all do well as a group. actually i am sure we will.

oh and i aint hormonal anymore. (although edlyn still thinks so). lilong's back to normal like finally. it's strange how i have my own ways of therapy. many could see i wasnt myself, but only my close friends linked it to a reason. the true reason that is. but i think i'm finally okay. yet, i am not in the mood to plunge into another emotional rollercoaster ride. i think i take relationships too seriously. lol. so shutup already sam! hahaha

i'm enjoying life at the moment. and since my parents dont read my blog, (maybe my sister does) i'll like to confess to succumbing to playing soccer this week. okay i was only the goalkeeper and guiltily enthusiastic in replacing the injured zhihong. in the process of attaining cheap thrills, my knee gave way again despite not doing anything much really. as jijo says, it clearly is an indication that i aint ready to train yet. sigh, that's the only thing that's fucking annoying me like hell. i want to train more than i need to train.

sorry for the outburst again.

2007-10-22T11:58:00.000+08:00

"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars."

quote of the day by unknown.

2007-10-21T00:56:00.000+08:00

lol 0 people qualified for lit H3. okay so i think i stand a chance, hopefully.

well its been a long time since i talked to edlyn! and she said something... which was interesting but i forgot what it is =/ hahahha okay class, imagine if lilong gets an A for maths next year. be inspired. at the end of the day, i want to move along, not just alone, but as a class. and how better but to start from myself.

spent last night/morning watching SAW III at pin's place. cousins should just spend more time together. it's really cool to chill and remain close even as we grow up. when mel's Os are done, we'll be hanging out much more i guess. and at 1am, i was lazy to cycle back home (tho it's like just 3mins from home) so i slept over. we had some guy talk as usual lol. was funny, but reminded me of how important it was to keep each other updated with our lives. people drift naturally as they spend time apart.

kinda have mental haemorrage now. can't really think. so i shall just keep this post as it is.

2007-10-19T21:13:00.000+08:00

haha i clicked on the SMB message that was titled "H3 Maths ..." strange. anyway my chances of appealing for H3 is beyond meagre. but i tried anyway. no point being upset since things have already happened. it's about moving on, and building on this hard lesson learnt.

i remember musing earlier on about how i needed a rude awakening to start paying attention to my academics. i guess this is it. but taking the first step is always the hardest. well, let me just enjoy post-promo abit. after my Scotland BSP trip, it's soccer + study + work. okay work's just stretching it a little.

and my knee's cracking. giving out cracking sounds i mean. somehow i still feel like it's a long way to recovery but the heart's raring to go. rushing back to recovery isnt an option, as i found out the hard way in FOS. but i need to touch the ball soon or i'll literally sink into depression soon. it's "the great escape" from everything. i need at least this space for myself.

sometimes it all just keeps coming back to me. i remember the first time i watched her dance to the tune of "it's all coming back to me now". the song was equally as powerful as the dance. and it almost evoked tears. yup, i'm not someone to enjoys solitude and loneliness. that explains the melancholy at times because i probably keep everything to deep down now that she's gone.

2007-10-18T22:19:00.000+08:00

“Let him that would move the world first move himself.”
-Socrates

Ah, good old Socrates. If one wishes to change the world, he or she cannot stand idle or lazy. The first step to changing anything is to start with yourself. By setting an example, you can change the world. The world is usually not so ready to change its views, and likewise, neither is a person. When a person takes the first step to changing him/herself, he/she is then ready to take on the world. Change begins in one person and spreads rapidly. It is like a human butterfly effect. One person changing, can under the right circumstances, affect those around him/her and create global change. Just think, if everyone did just one little change to their lives, how different would the world be? Everyone and everything are linked together and any small change affects everyone around them both directly and indirectly.

Also, Socrates is challenging people to take the first step. The first step is always the hardest, and this is very true. Upon accomplishing the first step, things get easier as you go along. Though, many people are unwilling to take that first step because of the risks involved. Changing yourself is the hardest step. Getting others to go along with you once you have set an example is much easier. Fear of ridicule prevents many people from taking that first step. Fear of the results prevents them. Fear itself prevents them. If one forgets all the fears, the first step is not so hard. The human mind is engineered to think and plan out consequences though, so ignoring and forgetting fears is not so easy.

-etheral reality

i always had something for philosophy, i just never preservered. wow i sure did enjoy reading this passage and now have found another online musing to entertain me.

bookmarked. (both figuratively and literally)